Seeing him for the first time.

Not Ethan, but his bio dad. I had to see him for the first time since he left me in feb. It really has messed up my day. Im trying not to get to me. But it has really messed me up. I had to give him the update that Ryan and Julio sent us for Christmas. Im really mad again. Im wanting to bitch at him. Today, I waited around for him to get to where I was to give him the thing, so that made me mad. Then he thought that I would stay there and talk with him. Really? Why would I do a stupid thing like that? I gave it to him, and he said if I was alright and I said yeah. and that we were leaving. And walked away. Now that 10 second interaction has really messed up. 

Im mad for not only the adoption agency messed up and sent his and that I had to see him, but that he left again when he said that he was changed. And got with a younger verison and knocked her up and said that is his payback. 

I wonder

I wonder what would really happen if I let Ryan and Julio know how I feel about the adoption. I wonder if they would stop all contact with me, or if they would embrace that I was honest with them and open their heart to me and let me rave about it sometimes. I dont understand why an adoptive parent wouldnt open their mind to see the birthmoms pain or how they really feel and not just happy banter to keep the adoption open just to see updates and pictures of their growing child.

The part that kills me.

Adrian asked me a few nights ago why we never see Ethan. I told him because I dont have a car. And when we get one that next summer we will go up and visit them. He became happy. Which made me happy. But then there are other times that he will randomly say "I miss baby Ethan" or "Why couldnt we keep baby ethan?". And those words are the worst to hear. I just want to hug him and make the pain go away. A few months ago, he started crying and I said "whats wrong", he said "I miss baby ethan and baby kayla [his half sister]. I want to see them. I want to play with baby ethan like I did baby kayla." It makes me think, what if I made the wrong choice? What if we were meant to keep him? What if.. What ifs are the worst for a person, especially a birthmom to wonder about.

Dear Bio dad,

Dear bio dad,
      Why.

- me