The other night, the guys posted a video of Ethan "talking" it was so cute. It hurt that I couldn't experience that first hand, but I'm happy that I could ses a video of it. When Adrian saw it, he started talking to the laptop screen. He started moving the mouse over the video and he thought that Ethan could see the flower that is my cursor. After I broke the news to him that it was a video, he was a little hurt. So to make him feel better I told him that we could Skype with them in a few weeks, which made him feel better. I've been putting off video chatting with them because I don't want to feel that hurt. I know they understand that, and they are letting me have what I want at the moment. I am greatful that they want it very open.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
The final order
As I was cleaning my kitchen island off, I find an unopened letter for me from Family Court of the state of Delaware. At first I thought, oh great what is Adrian's dad doing now. So I opened it. The first thing I see is Adoption from the heart then baby boy ______. Then I see his full name with my last name. Needless to say, I was taken aback.
As I read the letter, I start feeling horrible. Now I understand what the letter means. And what is said, but for me it uses harsh words, like eliminate, relinquish and convince evidence. To you those might not be harsh. I understand its the court system and that is the way it has to be stated.
It makes me feel like I did something horrible.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
At the store
My mom and I went to the store today. This place where I go, they have these 2 employees that are girls and when I was pregnant asked me about the baby. I told them I was placing him for adoption and it was best, yadda yadda yadda. Well, two weeks after Ethan was born, my mom, adrian and I went there. She asked me about Ethan and I told her that he is good, and his dads are happy. Then she went to my mom and asked her how it felt to be a second time grandmother, and after my mom gave a vague answer, she came back to me and asked me how it felt to be a second time mom. I walked away after that and I cried and teared up.
Last week, we went there and she asked me again how he was, I said that he was doing good and his dads are happy. Well, I went there today. No surprise to me that she was there, I went up and she asked me about him again. I said, I did not know how he was doing and I hadn't heard from his dads about him. And she asked me if his dad had him. I said no, that I placed him with a lovely couple. She gave me an "wow, so you are raising your oldest but couldnt with your youngest?" oh. Then she gave me a look like, wow you are really messed up. And I left.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain my circumstance to anyone and get the reply that receive. Those who know me know, I've always wanted to raise my kids together but it wasn't a possibility. I did the right thing. Getting the response that I did from her, she has a 3 year old daughter, was like you are going to judge me like you know me because you see me using coupons and buying a lot and figure I could do it. I would hoped that people would be happy and supportive. So what if I am raising my soon to be 5 year old. & even that is not easy to do. I just want a break from this judgement and dirty looks.
Last week, we went there and she asked me again how he was, I said that he was doing good and his dads are happy. Well, I went there today. No surprise to me that she was there, I went up and she asked me about him again. I said, I did not know how he was doing and I hadn't heard from his dads about him. And she asked me if his dad had him. I said no, that I placed him with a lovely couple. She gave me an "wow, so you are raising your oldest but couldnt with your youngest?" oh. Then she gave me a look like, wow you are really messed up. And I left.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain my circumstance to anyone and get the reply that receive. Those who know me know, I've always wanted to raise my kids together but it wasn't a possibility. I did the right thing. Getting the response that I did from her, she has a 3 year old daughter, was like you are going to judge me like you know me because you see me using coupons and buying a lot and figure I could do it. I would hoped that people would be happy and supportive. So what if I am raising my soon to be 5 year old. & even that is not easy to do. I just want a break from this judgement and dirty looks.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
The easiest part
The easiest thing about the adoption process, for me, I would have to say is the pregnancy. I didn't get attached to Ethan while I was pregnant. I didn't have that bond with him that I did with Adrian. Granted, I wanted Lewis, and he was my first child. But he was unexpected.
I had many ultrasounds, every time I went into the doctors office. I wasn't going to find out the sex, due to I was afraid that I was going have a little girl and I didn't want to give my first daughter up. But one time I was getting an ultrasound done, and I thought I had saw a "hotdog", and I had asked the doctor and he went back and looked, and he said "yep, its a boy". I told him "I didn't want to find out" and he said "oops", I told him "its ok, he wanted to be known anyways". I left the doctors that day, I texted his bio dad and told him and I called the adoption person that I was working with. For me, finding out that I was pregnant with another boy was sort of a relief.
I think that for me was easiest, because in turn it was easier for me to let him go to Ryan and Julio. I tell everyone that I didn't love Ethan when I was pregnant, I fell in love with him when he was under the blue lights for being jaundiced when he was a day or so old. He laid there and I knew at that moment, I loved him. I spent a night with him at the hospital, I knew I wouldn't get any of the time back that I had spent with him being his "mom". I did it after the bio dad and I signed the papers, because I knew if I wanted to keep him there would be no turning back.
Yes there is a time frame where if you want to have the child back after you sign your rights over you can do so. Ethans bio dad and I had 14 days to change our minds. I will tell you that was the most challenging time for me. I was going crazy. It had me crying and fighting in my head. I have talked to other birthmom and who agree with me that that time frame makes you crazy. I also heard from one that told me she had 90 days to change her mind. I told her that I would have fled the state if I had that amount of time. As it has been only soon to be 3 months since I signed my rights over of Ethan, I can still go back for him if I want to. BUT I will not, because it will cost a lot of money and he is with the best couple that I could have picked for him and he will have the best life, that me or his bio father could give him.
I had many ultrasounds, every time I went into the doctors office. I wasn't going to find out the sex, due to I was afraid that I was going have a little girl and I didn't want to give my first daughter up. But one time I was getting an ultrasound done, and I thought I had saw a "hotdog", and I had asked the doctor and he went back and looked, and he said "yep, its a boy". I told him "I didn't want to find out" and he said "oops", I told him "its ok, he wanted to be known anyways". I left the doctors that day, I texted his bio dad and told him and I called the adoption person that I was working with. For me, finding out that I was pregnant with another boy was sort of a relief.
I think that for me was easiest, because in turn it was easier for me to let him go to Ryan and Julio. I tell everyone that I didn't love Ethan when I was pregnant, I fell in love with him when he was under the blue lights for being jaundiced when he was a day or so old. He laid there and I knew at that moment, I loved him. I spent a night with him at the hospital, I knew I wouldn't get any of the time back that I had spent with him being his "mom". I did it after the bio dad and I signed the papers, because I knew if I wanted to keep him there would be no turning back.
Yes there is a time frame where if you want to have the child back after you sign your rights over you can do so. Ethans bio dad and I had 14 days to change our minds. I will tell you that was the most challenging time for me. I was going crazy. It had me crying and fighting in my head. I have talked to other birthmom and who agree with me that that time frame makes you crazy. I also heard from one that told me she had 90 days to change her mind. I told her that I would have fled the state if I had that amount of time. As it has been only soon to be 3 months since I signed my rights over of Ethan, I can still go back for him if I want to. BUT I will not, because it will cost a lot of money and he is with the best couple that I could have picked for him and he will have the best life, that me or his bio father could give him.
Monday, January 23, 2012
First Post
This is my first post for this blog. I will tell you a little about me and my situation. I am a mom and a birthmom. I have a soon to be 5 year old and a soon to be 3 month old sons. I am raising my oldest but I placed my youngest with a wonderful couple.
I did not plan to become pregnant when I did with my youngest, it just happened. I barely knew his father, and I was currently in the process of getting over my oldest father whom I was with for 6 years. When I told my family that I was pregnant, they wanted me to marry the dad, move in with him, and start a life with him. After I told my dad that I wasn't going to do that and I was going to place the baby for adoption thats when the hell started. My mom wasn't supportive during my pregnancy, but she is now. I think I made her proud, I hope I did. My dads side of the family wanted me to give the baby to my dad and stepmom. My dad and I have always had this off and on type of relationship. It got to the point where after I met the guys, he called me and started yelling at me that I posted something on facebook bad about him which made my little sister cry. Which I do not do. Then 2 weeks before I gave birth, they came to pick up my oldest to take him overnight, and they tried to bribe me with a car if they could get the baby. When I told them that they were not going to get the baby because I do not want him growing up and being my "brother" and seeing his brother as his "nephew". Then they told me that they would not do that, but I still digressed. The reason why I was so adimant about it was because when I was pregnant with my oldest they wanted to adopt him because they feared that my ex and I weren't going to be good parents. But here I am, almost 5 years later, being the best parent that my son could have.
Right now, my dads family and I don't speak. I do talk to my little sister thru facebook and via text messages. I know in my heart, I know I did the best possible thing for myself and my sons. The decision was for nobody else but for us. It was the best thing for us as a little family. Even though, as you will see in my future posts, I do have regrets, I do wish things were different, BUT at the same time, I know I chose the best family for him. He is so very loved.
I did not plan to become pregnant when I did with my youngest, it just happened. I barely knew his father, and I was currently in the process of getting over my oldest father whom I was with for 6 years. When I told my family that I was pregnant, they wanted me to marry the dad, move in with him, and start a life with him. After I told my dad that I wasn't going to do that and I was going to place the baby for adoption thats when the hell started. My mom wasn't supportive during my pregnancy, but she is now. I think I made her proud, I hope I did. My dads side of the family wanted me to give the baby to my dad and stepmom. My dad and I have always had this off and on type of relationship. It got to the point where after I met the guys, he called me and started yelling at me that I posted something on facebook bad about him which made my little sister cry. Which I do not do. Then 2 weeks before I gave birth, they came to pick up my oldest to take him overnight, and they tried to bribe me with a car if they could get the baby. When I told them that they were not going to get the baby because I do not want him growing up and being my "brother" and seeing his brother as his "nephew". Then they told me that they would not do that, but I still digressed. The reason why I was so adimant about it was because when I was pregnant with my oldest they wanted to adopt him because they feared that my ex and I weren't going to be good parents. But here I am, almost 5 years later, being the best parent that my son could have.
Right now, my dads family and I don't speak. I do talk to my little sister thru facebook and via text messages. I know in my heart, I know I did the best possible thing for myself and my sons. The decision was for nobody else but for us. It was the best thing for us as a little family. Even though, as you will see in my future posts, I do have regrets, I do wish things were different, BUT at the same time, I know I chose the best family for him. He is so very loved.
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