Seeing him for the first time.

Not Ethan, but his bio dad. I had to see him for the first time since he left me in feb. It really has messed up my day. Im trying not to get to me. But it has really messed me up. I had to give him the update that Ryan and Julio sent us for Christmas. Im really mad again. Im wanting to bitch at him. Today, I waited around for him to get to where I was to give him the thing, so that made me mad. Then he thought that I would stay there and talk with him. Really? Why would I do a stupid thing like that? I gave it to him, and he said if I was alright and I said yeah. and that we were leaving. And walked away. Now that 10 second interaction has really messed up. 

Im mad for not only the adoption agency messed up and sent his and that I had to see him, but that he left again when he said that he was changed. And got with a younger verison and knocked her up and said that is his payback. 

I wonder

I wonder what would really happen if I let Ryan and Julio know how I feel about the adoption. I wonder if they would stop all contact with me, or if they would embrace that I was honest with them and open their heart to me and let me rave about it sometimes. I dont understand why an adoptive parent wouldnt open their mind to see the birthmoms pain or how they really feel and not just happy banter to keep the adoption open just to see updates and pictures of their growing child.

The part that kills me.

Adrian asked me a few nights ago why we never see Ethan. I told him because I dont have a car. And when we get one that next summer we will go up and visit them. He became happy. Which made me happy. But then there are other times that he will randomly say "I miss baby Ethan" or "Why couldnt we keep baby ethan?". And those words are the worst to hear. I just want to hug him and make the pain go away. A few months ago, he started crying and I said "whats wrong", he said "I miss baby ethan and baby kayla [his half sister]. I want to see them. I want to play with baby ethan like I did baby kayla." It makes me think, what if I made the wrong choice? What if we were meant to keep him? What if.. What ifs are the worst for a person, especially a birthmom to wonder about.

Dear Bio dad,

Dear bio dad,
      Why.

- me

I dont understand

I dont understand why my mom is insistant on telling me that for my next kid I will be ready. She doesnt realize what she says when she says it. I flipped out on my mom tonight at walmart. I started crying as she gave me a disgusted looked, she was about to saying something really horrible that started with "well you did -----" She didnt finish it because I was crying and flipping out on her. In the mist of this Adrian kept saying to my mom "quit hurting mommys feelings, its making mommy cry." She honestly does not know how badly how everything hurts me and how it affects me. I wish WISH she understood.  I dont think she realizes how much it hurts. I told my mom that I invited my ex [oldest sons father] and his wife and their kids over for halloween for dinner and they have a daughter a month older than my youngest is, and my mom asked if she was coming, I said I dont know. Shes like well I know you dont like being around babies but at some point your going to have to get over it. And a week or two before, my ex [oldest sons father] said I needed to get over the fact that I placed my youngest. 

My youngest is 13 months old. It hurts. I told my mom that the bio dad [youngest sons] got his hs girlfriend pregnant [this summer] and shes like well whatever. Seriously? Everything hurts. I dont think my family realizes this shit

Regretting

The reason I resent my adoption is because I didnt want to be put in that place to do it. I didnt want to put more on Adrian because he was already going through enough. I didnt give Ethan to my dad and stepmom because I didnt know that he would be right there in reach where I could take him. It doesnt matter that they wanted it so I wouldnt regret it. But when I conutined the pregnancy that is when I regretted it. It is not an easy thing. I dont know how it would have been if he was just 10 minutes away. I dont understand why all the sudden my dad wants us to come around, especially when I have yet to receive some sort of a sorry from him and my grandmother for trying to putting me in that place where I would be more worse off. 

Get over it?

A lot of people have told me that I need to get over that I made my choice to place Ethan for adoption. And I need to get over my anxiety of little kids. How do you just get over something like that? Its not like oh you lost your debit card, get over it and get another one. I know that isnt a great example but that is all that I can think of right now. I had a baby. I was pregnant for 9 months. I went through time and time of having contractions when I wasnt suppose to. I went through crying and feeling like crap. How do you get over that?

Whilst I know those people are wrong in "get over it", and I know adoption is a lifelong process and you will go through many stages of feelings. But it hurts to know that their words of encouragement are "get over it; you have to get used to it sometime." How can I?

My moms biggest thing to say to me when I mention about selling some of adrians clothes from when he was a baby, "well no, what if you have another son?". It is a slap in the face to me. I feel like yelling and telling her I did have another son. HE would be wearing them if I could have kept him. In jan. I am going to go through adrians clothes and sell them without her knowing.

Why cant I have someone that I can talk to? Why cant I have family that understands me? Why do I get the bitchy people? Or the hardheaded?