The part that kills me.

Adrian asked me a few nights ago why we never see Ethan. I told him because I dont have a car. And when we get one that next summer we will go up and visit them. He became happy. Which made me happy. But then there are other times that he will randomly say "I miss baby Ethan" or "Why couldnt we keep baby ethan?". And those words are the worst to hear. I just want to hug him and make the pain go away. A few months ago, he started crying and I said "whats wrong", he said "I miss baby ethan and baby kayla [his half sister]. I want to see them. I want to play with baby ethan like I did baby kayla." It makes me think, what if I made the wrong choice? What if we were meant to keep him? What if.. What ifs are the worst for a person, especially a birthmom to wonder about.