I wonder

I wonder if Ethan turned out to be a girl how the outcome would have been. I wonder if he was a girl if his bio dad would fight tooth and nail to keep her because just the fact that she is a girl. I wonder how I would have reacted to having a girl. I dont believe in god but I do believe that someone wanted this [meaning the adoption process] to go easier for me. It would have killed me to know that I had a daughter and I couldnt have her. Yes, it is hard having a son and knowing that I cant have him. But could you imagine, you already had a son and you wanted a daughter but you had to put whatever baby you were pregnant with at the time for adoption and it was a girl. 
All of this sparked my imagintion today while siting in the doctors office and seeing a young mom [around my age] with 2 daughters and a son. And I thought to myself, wow that could have been me. I could have had Adrian who is now 5, then another baby who would have been 3, then Ethan who is almost 7 months old. What life would I have had, or they would have had. I cant help but think what if Ethan was a girl, what would bio dad have done? A more important question, what would *I* have done? It would have been so DIFFERENT for bio dad if he knew that I was carrying a girl. Since he already has 2 other boys, and I knew that he wanted a girl. 
I try not to think about things like that because it just brings hatred to me for all the crappy things that he had done to me. I was naive, I was stupid, I wanted a rebound from adrians dad leaving, so I guess that is what made me blind. Again here I am picking the pieces of my life back up and trying to start anew, but with a stronger mental lookout, and a new experience to add under my belt. As hard as it is for me to talk about Ethan and the loss I feel, I feel it easier to type then talk. Hence this blog. Aha.

Been MIA

I have been MIA for a bit but now Im back. Ive been having horrible days and great days. It still pains me to see Ethans pictures. It sucks that he looks like his bio dad. I recently had a friend I told that I didnt like talking indebth [sorry, spell check isnt giving me the right word] about Ethan because then I would go into a depression for a good couple of days to a week and Adrian wouldnt have a mom, and that wouldnt be fair. And she told me that if she needed to she would call me in and have someone take me away to the psych ward. I told her that I am fine, and for everything that I have been through I am very sane. After that I cut it off. It was bad enough for her to be mad at me for every little thing. She had told me that she was upset that I didnt want her in the delivery room.
Its sad that Ive cut people out of my life. But it is for the better. I am going on 25 in a month and a half, I dont need stupid and petty drama in my life not while I am trying to deal with loosing my son. I miss him dearly. I love him. Apart of me wants to fight to keep him, but the other part is telling me that I am not in the place where I can keep him. The urge of keeping him isnt strong enough. I know that this is just a coping process that I have to go through.
It hurts that I have to go through this alone. I cant talk to my mom. I feel as though she wants to already forget about it. She doesnt even ask me how hes doing anymore. Sometimes when I feel down, I get so pissed at her for saying after I had him "you dont want to hurt ryan and julio." I mean really its my son. Why would have cared about hurting them? If I wanted my son, I would have hurt anyone that I deemed possible. I mean look at who I "fought" with to make sure that I got my choice in ryan and julio to adopt him.
I will try to update the blog once a week to write what I am feeling. It hurts to talk about him and hurts to talk about my feelings. I have shared very little since me and his bio dad split again a few months ago. I felt like I could talk to him about it, but he didnt really care about anything and what I had to say.