Seeing him for the first time.

Not Ethan, but his bio dad. I had to see him for the first time since he left me in feb. It really has messed up my day. Im trying not to get to me. But it has really messed me up. I had to give him the update that Ryan and Julio sent us for Christmas. Im really mad again. Im wanting to bitch at him. Today, I waited around for him to get to where I was to give him the thing, so that made me mad. Then he thought that I would stay there and talk with him. Really? Why would I do a stupid thing like that? I gave it to him, and he said if I was alright and I said yeah. and that we were leaving. And walked away. Now that 10 second interaction has really messed up. 

Im mad for not only the adoption agency messed up and sent his and that I had to see him, but that he left again when he said that he was changed. And got with a younger verison and knocked her up and said that is his payback. 

I wonder

I wonder what would really happen if I let Ryan and Julio know how I feel about the adoption. I wonder if they would stop all contact with me, or if they would embrace that I was honest with them and open their heart to me and let me rave about it sometimes. I dont understand why an adoptive parent wouldnt open their mind to see the birthmoms pain or how they really feel and not just happy banter to keep the adoption open just to see updates and pictures of their growing child.

The part that kills me.

Adrian asked me a few nights ago why we never see Ethan. I told him because I dont have a car. And when we get one that next summer we will go up and visit them. He became happy. Which made me happy. But then there are other times that he will randomly say "I miss baby Ethan" or "Why couldnt we keep baby ethan?". And those words are the worst to hear. I just want to hug him and make the pain go away. A few months ago, he started crying and I said "whats wrong", he said "I miss baby ethan and baby kayla [his half sister]. I want to see them. I want to play with baby ethan like I did baby kayla." It makes me think, what if I made the wrong choice? What if we were meant to keep him? What if.. What ifs are the worst for a person, especially a birthmom to wonder about.

Dear Bio dad,

Dear bio dad,
      Why.

- me

I dont understand

I dont understand why my mom is insistant on telling me that for my next kid I will be ready. She doesnt realize what she says when she says it. I flipped out on my mom tonight at walmart. I started crying as she gave me a disgusted looked, she was about to saying something really horrible that started with "well you did -----" She didnt finish it because I was crying and flipping out on her. In the mist of this Adrian kept saying to my mom "quit hurting mommys feelings, its making mommy cry." She honestly does not know how badly how everything hurts me and how it affects me. I wish WISH she understood.  I dont think she realizes how much it hurts. I told my mom that I invited my ex [oldest sons father] and his wife and their kids over for halloween for dinner and they have a daughter a month older than my youngest is, and my mom asked if she was coming, I said I dont know. Shes like well I know you dont like being around babies but at some point your going to have to get over it. And a week or two before, my ex [oldest sons father] said I needed to get over the fact that I placed my youngest. 

My youngest is 13 months old. It hurts. I told my mom that the bio dad [youngest sons] got his hs girlfriend pregnant [this summer] and shes like well whatever. Seriously? Everything hurts. I dont think my family realizes this shit

Regretting

The reason I resent my adoption is because I didnt want to be put in that place to do it. I didnt want to put more on Adrian because he was already going through enough. I didnt give Ethan to my dad and stepmom because I didnt know that he would be right there in reach where I could take him. It doesnt matter that they wanted it so I wouldnt regret it. But when I conutined the pregnancy that is when I regretted it. It is not an easy thing. I dont know how it would have been if he was just 10 minutes away. I dont understand why all the sudden my dad wants us to come around, especially when I have yet to receive some sort of a sorry from him and my grandmother for trying to putting me in that place where I would be more worse off. 

Get over it?

A lot of people have told me that I need to get over that I made my choice to place Ethan for adoption. And I need to get over my anxiety of little kids. How do you just get over something like that? Its not like oh you lost your debit card, get over it and get another one. I know that isnt a great example but that is all that I can think of right now. I had a baby. I was pregnant for 9 months. I went through time and time of having contractions when I wasnt suppose to. I went through crying and feeling like crap. How do you get over that?

Whilst I know those people are wrong in "get over it", and I know adoption is a lifelong process and you will go through many stages of feelings. But it hurts to know that their words of encouragement are "get over it; you have to get used to it sometime." How can I?

My moms biggest thing to say to me when I mention about selling some of adrians clothes from when he was a baby, "well no, what if you have another son?". It is a slap in the face to me. I feel like yelling and telling her I did have another son. HE would be wearing them if I could have kept him. In jan. I am going to go through adrians clothes and sell them without her knowing.

Why cant I have someone that I can talk to? Why cant I have family that understands me? Why do I get the bitchy people? Or the hardheaded?

Long time..

Yeah so its been a long time since I have wrote anything. Ethan will be a year old soon. Doesnt really seem that long ago since he was born. But in a year I have changed a lot emotionally. I still regret the adoption. I regret not getting an abortion. I regret a lot of things. But I cant change them. It is still hard for me to look at Ethans pictures. But he is looking more like me with each picture I see, and for that I am really happy.

About a couple weeks ago, I broke down and cried for hours on end about Ethan and the adoption. It was hard. I found myself hating me, Ethan, Adrian, and bio dad. I hated the fact that I had to give him up but yet it is totally ok for bio dad to make another baby and be happy. Why cant that be me? Why cant I have my son with me and Adrian? Why cant I be happy with both of my boys?

I wish I could say that I am better. But Im not. After 11 months, I am going to see a therapist. I can not hate Ethan, myself or Adrian.

Ethans Birthstory

WARNING: THIS IS LONG! I AM SORRY THAT IT IS LONG! 

I went to the doctors November 1st and she checked me and told me that I was 2 to 3 cm and 40% effaced and that I would have him by the weekend. He was headdown. [FINALLY!!!! lol. He was a big flip flopper] Well the next day I woke up having irregular contractions. Well I got my son off to school and did nothing. Then I called my friend, Amy and told her that I had been having irregular contraction, YET AGAIN. I had a huge problem with PTL from 28 weeks on... I never had full blown PTL but I was having strong and painful contractions. She told me if anything else happened we would go to the L and D. 

So while waiting for my son to get home from school, I walked the cal da sac for about 10 minutes before my left hip started hurting again. After he got home I started having pains again, so I called amy and told her that I think I need to be checked out. Well it was hours before she got to pick me up. During that time I got things ready for myself and my son in case I had to be admitted for being in labor. So during that time I was waiting for her, I had to go to the bathroom. TMI-- I pooped and pooped until nothing else came out, and I sat on the toilet for about a good 45 minutes feeling pressure down there and feeling like I had to push. So I called her and said yeah I deff need to get checked out. I called my mom and told her that we were going to go to L and D and that she would need to take adrian. 

So amy got to my house then we dropped adrian off. Amy and I headed to L and D. We got there about 6ish. We had to sit in the waiting room for a good hour until a triage room opened up. By the time we got in there the pains had stopped. Well they hooked me up and everything. I was still 2 to 3 cms and I was 60% effaced. They said that I was having contractions but not strong enough to change my cervix so they had me and all of my junk [I couldnt leave it in the room because they had a room shortage  ]. My friend and I decided that we would take a wheelchair and wheel my stuff around. When we started walking it was about 8 pm. 

Amy wanted to push the wheelchair but I told her no I wanted to do it because it gave me something to lean on. We walked the downstairs of the hospital twice before I started having strong contractions. This is what gets me about some people ssaying dont go in until you cant walk or talk during a contraction. These contractions that I was having while walking, were the same intense contractions that gave me ethan and I walked right thru it and I talked to Julio [ one of the adoptive dads]. Well we had only been walking for about an hour and I was in full blown labor and at this point I was 4 to 5 cms and 70% effaced so they admitted me. 

They gave me my IV by my crease of elbow. At this point I was calling everyone and telling them that I was being admitted and how I was progressing. When I finally got into my room, I called the adoptive dads, Ryan and Julio, to come and wait with us. Around 10ish the on call doctor came in and said I was 6 cms and since I was already having intense contractions and since my cervix is quickly changing they would break my water. They broke my water and it didnt do a gush, it just trickled out. So I was having intense contractions for hours and talking to Ryan and Julio during them. Julio was amazed that I was having a very intense contraction and yet talking to them. I told them I have a very high tolerance for pain. But around 1230 - 100 am, it became to painful. 

At this point, still not pit! And very proud of myself. But since it became to painful, I opted for the magic drug. I will admit that I cried. I cried for a number of reasons: I was scared, I was having flashbacks to my birth with my son and being with his father, and I didnt know how things would go once I got the epi. Once I got the epi, I had the side effects of it, the shaking and trembling for a while but then that went away. I was able to sleep off and on for about 2 and half hours. While I was sleeping I kept on feeling that I needed to push. Finally around 415ish, I woke up and said I feel the need to push. Julio rushed outta the room to get the doctor or a nurse. 

The nurse came in and said do you feel the need to push? I said YEAH! The doctor came in about 420 and checked me and said that he was -1. And I was like Im pushing. So we got everything in place. & I started pushing.... and at this point become a blur. But I pushed a few times and everyone around me was yelling at me to stop pushing, but I kept on pushing. Then I stopped and the nurse and everyone said two more good pushes and then he'll be out! Well I pushed for a good 15 seconds and then she was telling me to stop. I stopped for 2 seconds. Then started again and I could feel her cutting me so he could come out because at this point, I was NOT STOPPING for anything! And then he was born at 4:31 am. 

They did not place him on my stomach, I did not look at him nor did I hold him. I asked how much he weighed and if he was ok. Ethan Alexander weighed 8 lbs 15.15 oz. & 21 and a half inches long. He was no cone-headed baby, his brother wasnt one either. Ryan and Julio spent most of their time in the other part of the room with Ethan. While I was getting stitched up, I called the father and my mom to tell them that he was born. I didnt ask how many stitches I had to have. 

Like a half and hour after he was born, I asked amy to take my phone and take pictures of him. She took 3 pictures of him. I saw them, I lost it. [Amy told me this] I was turned to amy crying and babbling about things with Ethan [Not about his health], Julio had Ethan in his arms and pointed to me and then back to Ethan. Then Amy asked me [nonchalantly] do you want to hold and see Ethan? I said no. I didnt see Amy, but she nodded her head no to Julio. 

A few hours later, the nurses were moving Ethan upstairs to the nursery, they again asked me if I wanted to see him. Before this Amy and I agreed that I needed to eat and sleep before I saw Ethan. So I said no again. & They asked me if he was going to be in the room with me. I said no. I said he will be in the nursey until I ask for him. I said I would like him on demand. And asked if the Dads would have a room if there was one available for them to room with Ethan. And they said they had a room just for them. & they told me they got me a private room, so I could have privacy since this is a sensitive time for me. 

Around 8ish I got to my room. The nurse that I had was so nice and helpful. I loved the doctor that delivered Ethan. I loved the nurse that helped also. My first nurse helped me so much. She told me if I needed help she would be there and I could talk to her. Once I got to my room, I ate, tried to sleep, and watched a bit of tv and updated BG and facebook with pictures and replying to comments that had been left. Around 10, I was crying and sobbing and I called the nurse and asked to her bring Ethan in. She placed Ethan in my arms, I cried harder. She told me that if I needed her that she was just a beep away. 

I held Ethan for a good half and hour before they needed to take him away for something. After he left, I cried a bit. The nurse came in took my vitals, took my IV out and helped me up to walk around. After I walked around and got back in bed, I fell asleep. Then I woke up to lunch and ate. Then after that I called my dads mom and told her that I had ethan, and shes like oh ok. You still havent changed your mind yet? I said no. I told her that my baby sister is going to come in [shes 12] with my stepmom, and I would call my dad to see if he wanted to come see ethan and meet the dads. I called my dad afterwards, and he said oh ok, well I dont want to come because I will get attached. I said ok. I got off the phone and cussed him. 

My mom and Adrian came in after adrian was done school. Of course adrian was bouncing all over the place. I called the nurse and told her that I wanted ethan so Adrian could meet his brother. Well they had to do the hearing test, so they did it in the room. They placed Ethan right in front of my mom. She was on the phone and she started crying. Then my stepmom and sister came in while they were testing. After they were done testing, I called the nurse again and asked for the dads for them to meet my sister, stepmom, adrian and my mom. Ryan and Julio came in the room, Adrian bounced up and down and was so hyper to meet them. I introduced them to everyone. My stepmom didnt say a damn word to them. My sister held Ethan for about 5 minutes and took pictures and left. Adrian held Ethan, my mom took pictures, I held ethan with adrian and she took pictures. 

My mom asked questions to Ryan and Julio, so did adrian. He also told jokes to them. Ryan and Julio left. Shortly after that my mom and adrian left to go home and make dinner... 

I am sorry that this is super long. 

I will get to the next day... which is important in this story. 

Around 945 am on nov. 4th, the father came. We were giving our rights up to Ethan. He came in and I cried a little bit. Then I called the nurse for Ethan, so the dad could hold him a bit before we needed to do the paperwork with the adoption agency. He was holding ethan, and crying. He kept turning from me so I wouldnt be able to see him crying. Then the adoption agency came and then at the same time they needed to get Ethans blood to check his jaundice levels. Then we got the paperwork all done. I didnt break down until the dads aunt came in the room and I lost it. My ex was still holding ethan when she came in the room. She held ethan for a few minutes, then met with Ryan and Julio who were in the middle of doing paper work when I called them. So I didnt keep them long. His aunt didnt stay long the first time, because she had to go visit her dad who was also in the hospital. So it left me with my ex again. He was holding Ethan again and trying not to cry. He gave Ethan back to me and I started crying. He held me for a minute. Then he left for work. 

I was there with ethan, just crying my eyes out trying to talk to him and explain to him why I couldnt raise him. 

"My dear boy, I wish I could raise you. I just cant. Its too much on me already to have your brother, hes a damn handful at times. I am 24 years old dont have a dime to my name barely. I dont have a job and a car. I would have 2 kids that dads barely see them, and I would be raising you with what I can scrap up. It no life for you, adrian, or myself. At least with your daddies you will be in the best care and love possible. You have so much already and your a day old. So many people in this state love you. So many people where you will live love you and cant wait to see you grow up. To me I will be your mom and you will be my son. For what you will call me is up to you. I am fine with anything. I am so happy that I found your dads. I never thought htat I would find them and I would have had settled for second best for you. & I couldnt have that. Not for you. Getting pregnant with you was a mistake, but YOU werent a mistake, you were a surprise that someone thought I needed. Ethan Alexander I love you and only want whats best for you." 

For those who stuck out and read this whole damn thing.. Thank you. I know its uber long. If you have any questions about my adoption or adoption in general please feel free to PM me or comment on this thread.


http://forum.baby-gaga.com/about2185668.html

I wonder

I wonder if Ethan turned out to be a girl how the outcome would have been. I wonder if he was a girl if his bio dad would fight tooth and nail to keep her because just the fact that she is a girl. I wonder how I would have reacted to having a girl. I dont believe in god but I do believe that someone wanted this [meaning the adoption process] to go easier for me. It would have killed me to know that I had a daughter and I couldnt have her. Yes, it is hard having a son and knowing that I cant have him. But could you imagine, you already had a son and you wanted a daughter but you had to put whatever baby you were pregnant with at the time for adoption and it was a girl. 
All of this sparked my imagintion today while siting in the doctors office and seeing a young mom [around my age] with 2 daughters and a son. And I thought to myself, wow that could have been me. I could have had Adrian who is now 5, then another baby who would have been 3, then Ethan who is almost 7 months old. What life would I have had, or they would have had. I cant help but think what if Ethan was a girl, what would bio dad have done? A more important question, what would *I* have done? It would have been so DIFFERENT for bio dad if he knew that I was carrying a girl. Since he already has 2 other boys, and I knew that he wanted a girl. 
I try not to think about things like that because it just brings hatred to me for all the crappy things that he had done to me. I was naive, I was stupid, I wanted a rebound from adrians dad leaving, so I guess that is what made me blind. Again here I am picking the pieces of my life back up and trying to start anew, but with a stronger mental lookout, and a new experience to add under my belt. As hard as it is for me to talk about Ethan and the loss I feel, I feel it easier to type then talk. Hence this blog. Aha.

Been MIA

I have been MIA for a bit but now Im back. Ive been having horrible days and great days. It still pains me to see Ethans pictures. It sucks that he looks like his bio dad. I recently had a friend I told that I didnt like talking indebth [sorry, spell check isnt giving me the right word] about Ethan because then I would go into a depression for a good couple of days to a week and Adrian wouldnt have a mom, and that wouldnt be fair. And she told me that if she needed to she would call me in and have someone take me away to the psych ward. I told her that I am fine, and for everything that I have been through I am very sane. After that I cut it off. It was bad enough for her to be mad at me for every little thing. She had told me that she was upset that I didnt want her in the delivery room.
Its sad that Ive cut people out of my life. But it is for the better. I am going on 25 in a month and a half, I dont need stupid and petty drama in my life not while I am trying to deal with loosing my son. I miss him dearly. I love him. Apart of me wants to fight to keep him, but the other part is telling me that I am not in the place where I can keep him. The urge of keeping him isnt strong enough. I know that this is just a coping process that I have to go through.
It hurts that I have to go through this alone. I cant talk to my mom. I feel as though she wants to already forget about it. She doesnt even ask me how hes doing anymore. Sometimes when I feel down, I get so pissed at her for saying after I had him "you dont want to hurt ryan and julio." I mean really its my son. Why would have cared about hurting them? If I wanted my son, I would have hurt anyone that I deemed possible. I mean look at who I "fought" with to make sure that I got my choice in ryan and julio to adopt him.
I will try to update the blog once a week to write what I am feeling. It hurts to talk about him and hurts to talk about my feelings. I have shared very little since me and his bio dad split again a few months ago. I felt like I could talk to him about it, but he didnt really care about anything and what I had to say.

Florida trip

I'm down in fl for 10 days with Adrian for his spring break. I was on the plane and I was thinking when I was on there last time pregnant with Ethan. Then I remembered telling his bio dad that he needed to screw off, and found out that he moved his bimbo up to live with him in his apt. Not even an hour into being here and I'm thinking of how I just want to lay in bed and forget about everything. I know I will be ok. But so much has happened to me while I have been down here to visit. I think with time I will be better. I wish I could forget everything and not feel pain. 

Past 2 years

The past 2 years have been so hard for me. Not only did I loose who I thought was my best friend and the love of my life, but I lost a child. Doing random things bring back random memories of both and makes me want to curl up in bed and cry. I never wanted any of this to happen. If I did believe in god, I would start rethinking in believing in him. Here I am getting ready for adrians birthday and my mind is trailing off in other directions. I wish things can get better from here.

While writing helps me deal with both, its still hard to let others know how I am feeling. I know if I communicate my feelings, I will get "I'm sorry". And I don't want that.

No sad faces

I haven't posted anything lately, due to having a hard time with my emotions. But today I got to wondering how other people look at me, like perceive me as a person.
This was all brought on by my mom having lunch with one of her dear friends. I know my mom has told people at her work and such. But I wonder how people, like a close friend like her friend, sees me. I know they give the sad looks and the "I'm sorrys". I have honestly had enough of those. I mean it was for the better. What's done is done.
I just would like to know if the perceive me as a horrible mom, a slut, unfit... or what. I know my moms friend knows a lot about our life and what we have been thru.
I want to get a point where I don't care what they think of me or perceive me as, I know how I look at myself and that should be good enough. I am controlled right now on how other people see me. Like I just said, it shouldn't matter. I know it was a mistake that I got pregnant (even though some people believe that I got pregnant on purpose. Even though I told them I didn't. They think I did because Adrian's dads wife got pregnant.), it was for the best and he is making two wonderful men happy.

It bothers me.

It really bothers me when someone says that I am not Ethans mom. And that I gave up my "mom" rights when I signed my rights away, so I should lose that title. I realize that I am not his parent, Ryan and Julio are, I also realize that I do have special relationship with them and Ethan being his birth mom. But I am his mom, just like he is my son.
Yes, I do not see him everyday. No, he doesnt call me mom. Yes, I signed my rights away. No, do I feel as if I am doing anything wrong. But will I ever address myself to Ethan as Mommy? No, that is disrepectful to Ryan and Julio. Do I sign my cards [so far] as Mommy Yvonne? Yes. Do I see anything wrong with it? No, because I know when he gets them, the boys read it to him as From: Yvonne and Adrian. But I feel as when he is old enough to read them, he will learn [if he hasnt already] that I love him.
Maybe my views are messed up in a way. But to me I do not feel like I am doing anything wrong. One person told me that she hopes that it will hit me like a ton of bricks when I get the realization that it is just a coping way.

Trying to keep my head busy.

Since my last post, I have been trying to keep my head busy. If I dont, I resort to thoughts about Ethan and how my life would be if I had him and raising him and Adrian together. Needless to say, it is very hard. Last monday night, I decided it was time for me to destroy the kitchen and remove everything from the cabinets and rearrange things. Well, now it is wednesday night and I have done about 60% of cleaning and wiping things down. Now I have to put everything back, and decide what needs to go down the basement. I feel so overwhemled with this. I know I put myself in this place. But I cant help but put the blame on my thoughts. I guess they thought that I would be better if I tackled something huge like this.
Its times like this where I just want to say I give up everything. I keep thinking maybe if I do this, or this that this might make things easier for me to deal with the loss of my son. I know its not having me actually deal with this, its covering up everything and pushing it back until later. Maybe, just maybe if I do this or not do this I wont think of Ethan. Or possibly if I do this and completely ignore this thing, Adrian will not bring up Ethan and ask me how hes doing.
I am starting to think that I am slowly developing OCD tendencies due to placing Ethan. I hope I'm not. Maybe, once I heal more that they will go away. Oh, well. Time will tell. So for now, I have to tackle this kitchen that I decided to redo over and clean and dust everything. Well, wish me luck! Here I go diving back into it. 

Forgiveness and Forgetting

I have contemplated writting this, in fear that it might hurt me in someway. But like I keep thinking, this will not hurt anyone but myself if I keep this in.
Ethan's bio dad and I had a good relationship until I found out lies among many more things. We were only together for 3 weeks when I found out I was pregnant with Ethan. And then only together for another 2 - 3 weeks after that, due to the lying and deceit from him. While I was in Florida, he left without a fight or an afterthought about it. I had always known since I couldn't go through with the abortion that adoption was the next option. I luckily knew his aunts name, so I friended and messaged her through facebook. I figured if I wasn't going to have his support, then I would have the next best thing. His aunt is the sweetest and nicest woman. I adore her.
Ethan's bio dad however would randomly text me to see how I and the baby were doing. Whenever he would do this, I gave him a cold shoulder and told me to leave me alone. All he was doing to me I felt, was opening up a wound that was already open and dousing salt into it. I started having troubles with contractions and pains in the end of August, and that's when he started texting me more and was concerned. I still held my ground, and he went away for a few more weeks. Then my adoption person had me start looking at profiles. So for the process, I had to talk to him and tell him who I really liked and why.
After the first batch that she sent me and I looked at, I found Ryan and Julio.  I picked them and a single mom. I knew from the get go that he wouldn't like them because they were gay. I will admit,  I sent Ethan's bio dad a very stern text saying I liked them and how this should be my choice because he wasn't there and hasn't been there for me. So a little while after I sent that,  he told me that he will go with them, but his one request was that we go meet them together. I agreed despite not wanting to see him or have anything to do with him. I might have been mean to him but I was going through a lot at this time. So the next week we met with Ryan and Julio. I was so nervous getting in the car with him and talking with him. I had my speech all ready if he was going to touch me or try anything. I was ready to go off on a drop of a hat.
We met them at the restaurant with the adoption lady. Myself and Julio would not stop talking. We forgot about everybody else at the table, we just had the time of our lives just talking away. Thats the one thing that really sealed the deal with Ryan and Julio, was that Julio was really like me when he is nervous. That is the same way with me. Julio and myself barely ate anything while we were there. Ethan's bio dad did not talk much, just like Ryan. I asked them if they had a name in mind for him, and they did. Adrians one request was to find out the colors of their cars. I told them about all the problems that I had been having and what might be happening and everything. And they told us that they could if we wanted to, make a facebook page for Ethan that they would update and communicate with us. We told them that is awesome and that we would love that idea. They asked us if we wanted to make a different facebook for that so we could protect our last names, and we said no, we want to be very open and you can know our last names. We also exchanged emails and cell phone numbers, they told me whenever I wanted to text them to talk about anything, feel free too.
As we left, the adoption lady asked us how we felt about meeting them and how we think it went. I said that I think it went amazing and it finally made this seem like it was happening and more real but in a good way. When we went to the car, I asked Ethan's Bio dad how he felt about it. He told me that it had to happen because there was no way that we could raise him. I remember as we were in the car, Ethan started kicking me. The ride back to my house seemed like forever, even though it was only a 5 minute drive from the place. It was silent. When I got at the house, he got out of the car to open and help me out of the car. I forgot about the presents that they had gotten us and adrian [a photobook of the future pictures, and a backpack with books and stuffed animals for adrian], he insisted that he carried the bag to the door. As we were walking, I was thinking to myself  "I can do it by myself, I have been doing this for 7 1/2 - 8 months without you". He left me with a hug at the door and that we would be talking soon. I waved goodbye to him.
A few weeks later, I was in L & D and I texted him to let him know, because I was having contractions. He asked me if I had anyone there. I said no. He said do you want me to come too keep you company? I said no. He said ok, if you want me to be, I will be there for you. As I was having this conversation and another with someone else, I started having more painful contractions. The nurse came in and she told me that I needed to get off that darn phone and calm down. I told her I was sorry but I couldn't not stress about these things. And I explained things to her, and she sat and she nodded and she was like welp you need to stop stressing for yourself and the babys sake. She left and after a while she came back and told me that I needed to get a steroid shot to mature his lungs faster incase I did go in preterm labor. And told me that I was to be on bedrest and to stop stressing about things.
So I had to stop, just like that. It wasn't easy but I managed to stop worrying about every little thing that came across to me. The last few weeks were a blur, I know I had talked to him a few times after that. When I finally went into labor [the day before my actual due date], I don't know if I had contacted him, his aunt did or Ryan and Julio did. But he knew. Moments after he was born, I was on the phone with my mom, and then I called him. I heard from his aunt the next day that he didn't want to come because it would hurt too much. Then his aunt told him "how do you think she feels? She carried him for 9 months and gave birth to him". I texted him early the next morning and told him that he could come whenever he wanted to since we were going to sign our rights over that morning. He came in about 7 minutes before the notary and the adoption lady came in.
While we were signing the papers, he was holding Ethan. I did not look at him while we were signing the papers. After they left to go have Ryan and Julio sign papers, he sat there holding Ethan. He got up when his aunt a couple minutes later came in. When she came in, I started bawling my eyes out. I don't know if it was because I signed my rights away or it was because of my hormones or both, but I lost it. Shortly, after she came in I called the nurse to get Ryan and Julio for a moment so she could meet them. After they left, his aunt left and a couple minutes afterwards, he left for work. Before he left he stood by the side of the bed and hugged me while we both held Ethan. I can swear to it but could be wrong, but I think he was crying during that moment. Right before he left, he kissed my head and Ethans head.
His aunt came back in later, because her dad was in the hospital. She brought me pizza and we talked and she ate. I wasn't hungry. She gave me a card which inclosed 2 gift cards one for the movies and one for red robin. I thanked her for them and she left. And after that was a blur. I left the hospital, and I can't remember when I talked to Ethan's bio dad again, I know it was before Ethan turned 2 weeks old because we went to see them one last time before they went back to CT. Then at the beginning of December, I asked him if he wanted to go see a movie. Then we started talking a little here and there for a while. We went to go see the muppets in the middle of the month. We talked about everyday after that. We had made plans for Adrian and his oldest to do something but then Adrian got sick.
Sometime after Christmas, we were talking and he asked if I wanted to go see a movie. I said yeah sure. But then he got called into work. So I asked him if he wanted to come back here and watch movies on netflix with me instead of going out at 11 at night. He said that would be a better idea because he had some work that he needed to do on his laptop for his job. When he got here, I was nervous as anything. My grandmother was upstairs in her bed with Adrian. I didn't want her to wake up and come downstairs to see him on the couch with me, since Ethan looks just like him and she would know that he is Ethans bio dad.
After he was done working, we were sitting there watching a movie and all I kept thinking was screaming at him. Screaming "Why did you leave? What do you have to say for yourself? Why do you want back in now? Seriously WHY ME and not some bimbo 17 year old? FUCK SAKE WHY!" After we were done the first movie, we started watching Tron and we were about 15 minutes into it and I asked him "why did you leave? Why werent you there?" He replied "I didn't think 9 months would ever come. I don't know" I started yelling softly at him "You didn't think 9 months would come? What about me? I had to wear what I did for 9 MONTHS, you didn't. You weren't there at all, only towards the end and at that point, I didn't even want you there.You cheated, lied about cheating and then left me all alone to go thru this alone. And now AFTER the fact of me not having our son anymore, you want me back". All he had to say was "The past is the past. I can't change it."
I lost it. I started crying. Its like really, no crap you can't change it. You could just understand a little bit about how I feel. After crying, I fell asleep. He was getting up to leave and he kissed my lips so softly. It felt like in the movies where they are at a crossroads and don't know which way to take, and they have that confused look on their faces. Thats what I felt like. After that night we kept talking. Until something happened again, and all I wanted him to do was fight or something and all I felt like doing was yelling at him and telling him to get lost. Now a couple days ago, I finally ended whatever it was that we had. I couldn't be hurt by the fact that he wasn't there but now he wants to come back in and thinks everything is ok. I know I can be a stubborn mule sometimes, but this isn't one of those times. I told him I can't do this anymore. I can't forgive and forget like he wants me to. Its not that easy for me as he thinks it is. I am grieving the lost of my son, my child, the baby I held in the womb for 9 months with no help from the donor during that time. It seemed like he only wanted me when I was happy. And right now I am a god damn mess. Maybe one day, I will be able to forgive him, but will I ever forget? Nope.
I would have been able to if he was able to stick around during my pregnancy and help me out. But to be gone for 9 months and then after the baby is gone and with the adoptive family and now wants to be apart of my life again, not a chance. Forgive, yes; maybe. Forget, never.

I'm sorry that this is long. I know I dont use Ethan's bio dads name or his aunts name.

Babbling

The other night, the guys posted a video of Ethan "talking" it was so cute. It hurt that I couldn't experience that first hand, but I'm happy that I could ses a video of it. When Adrian saw it, he started talking to the laptop screen. He started moving the mouse over the video and he thought that Ethan could see the flower that is my cursor. After I broke the news to him that it was a video, he was a little hurt. So to make him feel better I told him that we could Skype with them in a few weeks, which made him feel better. I've been putting off video chatting with them because I don't want to feel that hurt. I know they understand that, and they are letting me have what I want at the moment. I am greatful that they want it very open.

The final order

As I was cleaning my kitchen island off, I find an unopened letter for me from Family Court of the state of Delaware. At first I thought, oh great what is Adrian's dad doing now. So I opened it. The first thing I see is Adoption from the heart then baby boy ______. Then I see his full name with my last name. Needless to say, I was taken aback.
As I read the letter, I start feeling horrible. Now I understand what the letter means. And what is said, but for me it uses harsh words, like eliminate, relinquish and convince evidence. To you those might not be harsh. I understand its the court system and that is the way it has to be stated.
It makes me feel like I did something horrible.

At the store

My mom and I went to the store today. This place where I go, they have these 2 employees that are girls and when I was pregnant asked me about the baby. I told them I was placing him for adoption and it was best, yadda yadda yadda. Well, two weeks after Ethan was born, my mom, adrian and I went there. She asked me about Ethan and I told her that he is good, and his dads are happy. Then she went to my mom and asked her how it felt to be a second time grandmother, and after my mom gave a vague answer, she came back to me and asked me how it felt to be a second time mom. I walked away after that and I cried and teared up.
Last week, we went there and she asked me again how he was, I said that he was doing good and his dads are happy. Well, I went there today. No surprise to me that she was there, I went up and she asked me about him again. I said, I did not know how he was doing and I hadn't heard from his dads about him. And she asked me if his dad had him. I said no, that I placed him with a lovely couple. She gave me an "wow, so you are raising your oldest but couldnt with your youngest?" oh. Then she gave me a look like, wow you are really messed up. And I left.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain my circumstance to anyone and get the reply that receive. Those who know me know, I've always wanted to raise my kids together but it wasn't a possibility. I did the right thing. Getting the response that I did from her, she has a 3 year old daughter, was like you are going to judge me like you know me because you see me using coupons and buying a lot and figure I could do it. I would hoped that people would be happy and supportive. So what if I am raising my soon to be 5 year old. & even that is not easy to do. I just want a break from this judgement and dirty looks.  

The easiest part

The easiest thing about the adoption process, for me, I would have to say is the pregnancy. I didn't get attached to Ethan while I was pregnant. I didn't have that bond with him that I did with Adrian. Granted, I wanted Lewis, and he was my first child. But he was unexpected.
I had many ultrasounds, every time I went into the doctors office. I wasn't going to find out the sex, due to I was afraid that I was going have a little girl and I didn't want to give my first daughter up. But one time I was getting an ultrasound done, and I thought I had saw a "hotdog", and I had asked the doctor and he went back and looked, and he said "yep, its a boy". I told him "I didn't want to find out" and he said "oops", I told him "its ok, he wanted to be known anyways". I left the doctors that day, I texted his bio dad and told him and I called the adoption person that I was working with. For me, finding out that I was pregnant with another boy was sort of a relief.
I think that for me was easiest, because in turn it was easier for me to let him go to Ryan and Julio. I tell everyone that I didn't love Ethan when I was pregnant, I fell in love with him when he was under the blue lights for being jaundiced when he was a day or so old. He laid there and I knew at that moment, I loved him. I spent a night with him at the hospital, I knew I wouldn't get any of the time back that I had spent with him being his "mom". I did it after the bio dad and I signed the papers, because I knew if I wanted to keep him there would be no turning back.
Yes there is a time frame where if you want to have the child back after you sign your rights over you can do so. Ethans bio dad and I had 14 days to change our minds. I will tell you that was the most challenging time for me. I was going crazy. It had me crying and fighting in my head. I have talked to other birthmom and who agree with me that that time frame makes you crazy. I also heard from one that told me she had 90 days to change her mind. I told her that I would have fled the state if I had that amount of time. As it has been only soon to be 3 months since I signed my rights over of Ethan, I can still go back for him if I want to. BUT I will not, because it will cost a lot of money and he is with the best couple that I could have picked for him and he will have the best life, that me or his bio father could give him.

First Post

This is my first post for this blog. I will tell you a little about me and my situation. I am a mom and a birthmom. I have a soon to be 5 year old and a soon to be 3 month old sons. I am raising my oldest but I placed my youngest with a wonderful couple.

I did not plan to become pregnant when I did with my youngest, it just happened. I barely knew his father, and I was currently in the process of getting over my oldest father whom I was with for 6 years. When I told my family that I was pregnant, they wanted me to marry the dad, move in with him, and start a life with him. After I told my dad that I wasn't going to do that and I was going to place the baby for adoption thats when the hell started. My mom wasn't supportive during my pregnancy, but she is now. I think I made her proud, I hope I did. My dads side of the family wanted me to give the baby to my dad and stepmom. My dad and I have always had this off and on type of relationship. It got to the point where after I met the guys, he called me and started yelling at me that I posted something on facebook bad about him which made my little sister cry. Which I do not do. Then 2 weeks before I gave birth, they came to pick up my oldest to take him overnight, and they tried to bribe me with a car if they could get the baby. When I told them that they were not going to get the baby because I do not want him growing up and being my "brother" and seeing his brother as his "nephew". Then they told me that they would not do that, but I still digressed. The reason why I was so adimant about it was because when I was pregnant with my oldest they wanted to adopt him because they feared that my ex and I weren't going to be good parents. But here I am, almost 5 years later, being the best parent that my son could have.

Right now, my dads family and I don't speak. I do talk to my little sister thru facebook and via text messages. I know in my heart, I know I did the best possible thing for myself and my sons. The decision was for nobody else but for us. It was the best thing for us as a little family. Even though, as you will see in my future posts, I do have regrets, I do wish things were different, BUT at the same time, I know I chose the best family for him. He is so very loved.