It really bothers me when someone says that I am not Ethans mom. And that I gave up my "mom" rights when I signed my rights away, so I should lose that title. I realize that I am not his parent, Ryan and Julio are, I also realize that I do have special relationship with them and Ethan being his birth mom. But I am his mom, just like he is my son.
Yes, I do not see him everyday. No, he doesnt call me mom. Yes, I signed my rights away. No, do I feel as if I am doing anything wrong. But will I ever address myself to Ethan as Mommy? No, that is disrepectful to Ryan and Julio. Do I sign my cards [so far] as Mommy Yvonne? Yes. Do I see anything wrong with it? No, because I know when he gets them, the boys read it to him as From: Yvonne and Adrian. But I feel as when he is old enough to read them, he will learn [if he hasnt already] that I love him.
Maybe my views are messed up in a way. But to me I do not feel like I am doing anything wrong. One person told me that she hopes that it will hit me like a ton of bricks when I get the realization that it is just a coping way.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Trying to keep my head busy.
Since my last post, I have been trying to keep my head busy. If I dont, I resort to thoughts about Ethan and how my life would be if I had him and raising him and Adrian together. Needless to say, it is very hard. Last monday night, I decided it was time for me to destroy the kitchen and remove everything from the cabinets and rearrange things. Well, now it is wednesday night and I have done about 60% of cleaning and wiping things down. Now I have to put everything back, and decide what needs to go down the basement. I feel so overwhemled with this. I know I put myself in this place. But I cant help but put the blame on my thoughts. I guess they thought that I would be better if I tackled something huge like this.
Its times like this where I just want to say I give up everything. I keep thinking maybe if I do this, or this that this might make things easier for me to deal with the loss of my son. I know its not having me actually deal with this, its covering up everything and pushing it back until later. Maybe, just maybe if I do this or not do this I wont think of Ethan. Or possibly if I do this and completely ignore this thing, Adrian will not bring up Ethan and ask me how hes doing.
I am starting to think that I am slowly developing OCD tendencies due to placing Ethan. I hope I'm not. Maybe, once I heal more that they will go away. Oh, well. Time will tell. So for now, I have to tackle this kitchen that I decided to redo over and clean and dust everything. Well, wish me luck! Here I go diving back into it.
Its times like this where I just want to say I give up everything. I keep thinking maybe if I do this, or this that this might make things easier for me to deal with the loss of my son. I know its not having me actually deal with this, its covering up everything and pushing it back until later. Maybe, just maybe if I do this or not do this I wont think of Ethan. Or possibly if I do this and completely ignore this thing, Adrian will not bring up Ethan and ask me how hes doing.
I am starting to think that I am slowly developing OCD tendencies due to placing Ethan. I hope I'm not. Maybe, once I heal more that they will go away. Oh, well. Time will tell. So for now, I have to tackle this kitchen that I decided to redo over and clean and dust everything. Well, wish me luck! Here I go diving back into it.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Forgiveness and Forgetting
I have contemplated writting this, in fear that it might hurt me in someway. But like I keep thinking, this will not hurt anyone but myself if I keep this in.
Ethan's bio dad and I had a good relationship until I found out lies among many more things. We were only together for 3 weeks when I found out I was pregnant with Ethan. And then only together for another 2 - 3 weeks after that, due to the lying and deceit from him. While I was in Florida, he left without a fight or an afterthought about it. I had always known since I couldn't go through with the abortion that adoption was the next option. I luckily knew his aunts name, so I friended and messaged her through facebook. I figured if I wasn't going to have his support, then I would have the next best thing. His aunt is the sweetest and nicest woman. I adore her.
Ethan's bio dad however would randomly text me to see how I and the baby were doing. Whenever he would do this, I gave him a cold shoulder and told me to leave me alone. All he was doing to me I felt, was opening up a wound that was already open and dousing salt into it. I started having troubles with contractions and pains in the end of August, and that's when he started texting me more and was concerned. I still held my ground, and he went away for a few more weeks. Then my adoption person had me start looking at profiles. So for the process, I had to talk to him and tell him who I really liked and why.
After the first batch that she sent me and I looked at, I found Ryan and Julio. I picked them and a single mom. I knew from the get go that he wouldn't like them because they were gay. I will admit, I sent Ethan's bio dad a very stern text saying I liked them and how this should be my choice because he wasn't there and hasn't been there for me. So a little while after I sent that, he told me that he will go with them, but his one request was that we go meet them together. I agreed despite not wanting to see him or have anything to do with him. I might have been mean to him but I was going through a lot at this time. So the next week we met with Ryan and Julio. I was so nervous getting in the car with him and talking with him. I had my speech all ready if he was going to touch me or try anything. I was ready to go off on a drop of a hat.
We met them at the restaurant with the adoption lady. Myself and Julio would not stop talking. We forgot about everybody else at the table, we just had the time of our lives just talking away. Thats the one thing that really sealed the deal with Ryan and Julio, was that Julio was really like me when he is nervous. That is the same way with me. Julio and myself barely ate anything while we were there. Ethan's bio dad did not talk much, just like Ryan. I asked them if they had a name in mind for him, and they did. Adrians one request was to find out the colors of their cars. I told them about all the problems that I had been having and what might be happening and everything. And they told us that they could if we wanted to, make a facebook page for Ethan that they would update and communicate with us. We told them that is awesome and that we would love that idea. They asked us if we wanted to make a different facebook for that so we could protect our last names, and we said no, we want to be very open and you can know our last names. We also exchanged emails and cell phone numbers, they told me whenever I wanted to text them to talk about anything, feel free too.
As we left, the adoption lady asked us how we felt about meeting them and how we think it went. I said that I think it went amazing and it finally made this seem like it was happening and more real but in a good way. When we went to the car, I asked Ethan's Bio dad how he felt about it. He told me that it had to happen because there was no way that we could raise him. I remember as we were in the car, Ethan started kicking me. The ride back to my house seemed like forever, even though it was only a 5 minute drive from the place. It was silent. When I got at the house, he got out of the car to open and help me out of the car. I forgot about the presents that they had gotten us and adrian [a photobook of the future pictures, and a backpack with books and stuffed animals for adrian], he insisted that he carried the bag to the door. As we were walking, I was thinking to myself "I can do it by myself, I have been doing this for 7 1/2 - 8 months without you". He left me with a hug at the door and that we would be talking soon. I waved goodbye to him.
A few weeks later, I was in L & D and I texted him to let him know, because I was having contractions. He asked me if I had anyone there. I said no. He said do you want me to come too keep you company? I said no. He said ok, if you want me to be, I will be there for you. As I was having this conversation and another with someone else, I started having more painful contractions. The nurse came in and she told me that I needed to get off that darn phone and calm down. I told her I was sorry but I couldn't not stress about these things. And I explained things to her, and she sat and she nodded and she was like welp you need to stop stressing for yourself and the babys sake. She left and after a while she came back and told me that I needed to get a steroid shot to mature his lungs faster incase I did go in preterm labor. And told me that I was to be on bedrest and to stop stressing about things.
So I had to stop, just like that. It wasn't easy but I managed to stop worrying about every little thing that came across to me. The last few weeks were a blur, I know I had talked to him a few times after that. When I finally went into labor [the day before my actual due date], I don't know if I had contacted him, his aunt did or Ryan and Julio did. But he knew. Moments after he was born, I was on the phone with my mom, and then I called him. I heard from his aunt the next day that he didn't want to come because it would hurt too much. Then his aunt told him "how do you think she feels? She carried him for 9 months and gave birth to him". I texted him early the next morning and told him that he could come whenever he wanted to since we were going to sign our rights over that morning. He came in about 7 minutes before the notary and the adoption lady came in.
While we were signing the papers, he was holding Ethan. I did not look at him while we were signing the papers. After they left to go have Ryan and Julio sign papers, he sat there holding Ethan. He got up when his aunt a couple minutes later came in. When she came in, I started bawling my eyes out. I don't know if it was because I signed my rights away or it was because of my hormones or both, but I lost it. Shortly, after she came in I called the nurse to get Ryan and Julio for a moment so she could meet them. After they left, his aunt left and a couple minutes afterwards, he left for work. Before he left he stood by the side of the bed and hugged me while we both held Ethan. I can swear to it but could be wrong, but I think he was crying during that moment. Right before he left, he kissed my head and Ethans head.
His aunt came back in later, because her dad was in the hospital. She brought me pizza and we talked and she ate. I wasn't hungry. She gave me a card which inclosed 2 gift cards one for the movies and one for red robin. I thanked her for them and she left. And after that was a blur. I left the hospital, and I can't remember when I talked to Ethan's bio dad again, I know it was before Ethan turned 2 weeks old because we went to see them one last time before they went back to CT. Then at the beginning of December, I asked him if he wanted to go see a movie. Then we started talking a little here and there for a while. We went to go see the muppets in the middle of the month. We talked about everyday after that. We had made plans for Adrian and his oldest to do something but then Adrian got sick.
Sometime after Christmas, we were talking and he asked if I wanted to go see a movie. I said yeah sure. But then he got called into work. So I asked him if he wanted to come back here and watch movies on netflix with me instead of going out at 11 at night. He said that would be a better idea because he had some work that he needed to do on his laptop for his job. When he got here, I was nervous as anything. My grandmother was upstairs in her bed with Adrian. I didn't want her to wake up and come downstairs to see him on the couch with me, since Ethan looks just like him and she would know that he is Ethans bio dad.
After he was done working, we were sitting there watching a movie and all I kept thinking was screaming at him. Screaming "Why did you leave? What do you have to say for yourself? Why do you want back in now? Seriously WHY ME and not some bimbo 17 year old? FUCK SAKE WHY!" After we were done the first movie, we started watching Tron and we were about 15 minutes into it and I asked him "why did you leave? Why werent you there?" He replied "I didn't think 9 months would ever come. I don't know" I started yelling softly at him "You didn't think 9 months would come? What about me? I had to wear what I did for 9 MONTHS, you didn't. You weren't there at all, only towards the end and at that point, I didn't even want you there.You cheated, lied about cheating and then left me all alone to go thru this alone. And now AFTER the fact of me not having our son anymore, you want me back". All he had to say was "The past is the past. I can't change it."
I lost it. I started crying. Its like really, no crap you can't change it. You could just understand a little bit about how I feel. After crying, I fell asleep. He was getting up to leave and he kissed my lips so softly. It felt like in the movies where they are at a crossroads and don't know which way to take, and they have that confused look on their faces. Thats what I felt like. After that night we kept talking. Until something happened again, and all I wanted him to do was fight or something and all I felt like doing was yelling at him and telling him to get lost. Now a couple days ago, I finally ended whatever it was that we had. I couldn't be hurt by the fact that he wasn't there but now he wants to come back in and thinks everything is ok. I know I can be a stubborn mule sometimes, but this isn't one of those times. I told him I can't do this anymore. I can't forgive and forget like he wants me to. Its not that easy for me as he thinks it is. I am grieving the lost of my son, my child, the baby I held in the womb for 9 months with no help from the donor during that time. It seemed like he only wanted me when I was happy. And right now I am a god damn mess. Maybe one day, I will be able to forgive him, but will I ever forget? Nope.
I would have been able to if he was able to stick around during my pregnancy and help me out. But to be gone for 9 months and then after the baby is gone and with the adoptive family and now wants to be apart of my life again, not a chance. Forgive, yes; maybe. Forget, never.
I'm sorry that this is long. I know I dont use Ethan's bio dads name or his aunts name.
Ethan's bio dad and I had a good relationship until I found out lies among many more things. We were only together for 3 weeks when I found out I was pregnant with Ethan. And then only together for another 2 - 3 weeks after that, due to the lying and deceit from him. While I was in Florida, he left without a fight or an afterthought about it. I had always known since I couldn't go through with the abortion that adoption was the next option. I luckily knew his aunts name, so I friended and messaged her through facebook. I figured if I wasn't going to have his support, then I would have the next best thing. His aunt is the sweetest and nicest woman. I adore her.
Ethan's bio dad however would randomly text me to see how I and the baby were doing. Whenever he would do this, I gave him a cold shoulder and told me to leave me alone. All he was doing to me I felt, was opening up a wound that was already open and dousing salt into it. I started having troubles with contractions and pains in the end of August, and that's when he started texting me more and was concerned. I still held my ground, and he went away for a few more weeks. Then my adoption person had me start looking at profiles. So for the process, I had to talk to him and tell him who I really liked and why.
After the first batch that she sent me and I looked at, I found Ryan and Julio. I picked them and a single mom. I knew from the get go that he wouldn't like them because they were gay. I will admit, I sent Ethan's bio dad a very stern text saying I liked them and how this should be my choice because he wasn't there and hasn't been there for me. So a little while after I sent that, he told me that he will go with them, but his one request was that we go meet them together. I agreed despite not wanting to see him or have anything to do with him. I might have been mean to him but I was going through a lot at this time. So the next week we met with Ryan and Julio. I was so nervous getting in the car with him and talking with him. I had my speech all ready if he was going to touch me or try anything. I was ready to go off on a drop of a hat.
We met them at the restaurant with the adoption lady. Myself and Julio would not stop talking. We forgot about everybody else at the table, we just had the time of our lives just talking away. Thats the one thing that really sealed the deal with Ryan and Julio, was that Julio was really like me when he is nervous. That is the same way with me. Julio and myself barely ate anything while we were there. Ethan's bio dad did not talk much, just like Ryan. I asked them if they had a name in mind for him, and they did. Adrians one request was to find out the colors of their cars. I told them about all the problems that I had been having and what might be happening and everything. And they told us that they could if we wanted to, make a facebook page for Ethan that they would update and communicate with us. We told them that is awesome and that we would love that idea. They asked us if we wanted to make a different facebook for that so we could protect our last names, and we said no, we want to be very open and you can know our last names. We also exchanged emails and cell phone numbers, they told me whenever I wanted to text them to talk about anything, feel free too.
As we left, the adoption lady asked us how we felt about meeting them and how we think it went. I said that I think it went amazing and it finally made this seem like it was happening and more real but in a good way. When we went to the car, I asked Ethan's Bio dad how he felt about it. He told me that it had to happen because there was no way that we could raise him. I remember as we were in the car, Ethan started kicking me. The ride back to my house seemed like forever, even though it was only a 5 minute drive from the place. It was silent. When I got at the house, he got out of the car to open and help me out of the car. I forgot about the presents that they had gotten us and adrian [a photobook of the future pictures, and a backpack with books and stuffed animals for adrian], he insisted that he carried the bag to the door. As we were walking, I was thinking to myself "I can do it by myself, I have been doing this for 7 1/2 - 8 months without you". He left me with a hug at the door and that we would be talking soon. I waved goodbye to him.
A few weeks later, I was in L & D and I texted him to let him know, because I was having contractions. He asked me if I had anyone there. I said no. He said do you want me to come too keep you company? I said no. He said ok, if you want me to be, I will be there for you. As I was having this conversation and another with someone else, I started having more painful contractions. The nurse came in and she told me that I needed to get off that darn phone and calm down. I told her I was sorry but I couldn't not stress about these things. And I explained things to her, and she sat and she nodded and she was like welp you need to stop stressing for yourself and the babys sake. She left and after a while she came back and told me that I needed to get a steroid shot to mature his lungs faster incase I did go in preterm labor. And told me that I was to be on bedrest and to stop stressing about things.
So I had to stop, just like that. It wasn't easy but I managed to stop worrying about every little thing that came across to me. The last few weeks were a blur, I know I had talked to him a few times after that. When I finally went into labor [the day before my actual due date], I don't know if I had contacted him, his aunt did or Ryan and Julio did. But he knew. Moments after he was born, I was on the phone with my mom, and then I called him. I heard from his aunt the next day that he didn't want to come because it would hurt too much. Then his aunt told him "how do you think she feels? She carried him for 9 months and gave birth to him". I texted him early the next morning and told him that he could come whenever he wanted to since we were going to sign our rights over that morning. He came in about 7 minutes before the notary and the adoption lady came in.
While we were signing the papers, he was holding Ethan. I did not look at him while we were signing the papers. After they left to go have Ryan and Julio sign papers, he sat there holding Ethan. He got up when his aunt a couple minutes later came in. When she came in, I started bawling my eyes out. I don't know if it was because I signed my rights away or it was because of my hormones or both, but I lost it. Shortly, after she came in I called the nurse to get Ryan and Julio for a moment so she could meet them. After they left, his aunt left and a couple minutes afterwards, he left for work. Before he left he stood by the side of the bed and hugged me while we both held Ethan. I can swear to it but could be wrong, but I think he was crying during that moment. Right before he left, he kissed my head and Ethans head.
His aunt came back in later, because her dad was in the hospital. She brought me pizza and we talked and she ate. I wasn't hungry. She gave me a card which inclosed 2 gift cards one for the movies and one for red robin. I thanked her for them and she left. And after that was a blur. I left the hospital, and I can't remember when I talked to Ethan's bio dad again, I know it was before Ethan turned 2 weeks old because we went to see them one last time before they went back to CT. Then at the beginning of December, I asked him if he wanted to go see a movie. Then we started talking a little here and there for a while. We went to go see the muppets in the middle of the month. We talked about everyday after that. We had made plans for Adrian and his oldest to do something but then Adrian got sick.
Sometime after Christmas, we were talking and he asked if I wanted to go see a movie. I said yeah sure. But then he got called into work. So I asked him if he wanted to come back here and watch movies on netflix with me instead of going out at 11 at night. He said that would be a better idea because he had some work that he needed to do on his laptop for his job. When he got here, I was nervous as anything. My grandmother was upstairs in her bed with Adrian. I didn't want her to wake up and come downstairs to see him on the couch with me, since Ethan looks just like him and she would know that he is Ethans bio dad.
After he was done working, we were sitting there watching a movie and all I kept thinking was screaming at him. Screaming "Why did you leave? What do you have to say for yourself? Why do you want back in now? Seriously WHY ME and not some bimbo 17 year old? FUCK SAKE WHY!" After we were done the first movie, we started watching Tron and we were about 15 minutes into it and I asked him "why did you leave? Why werent you there?" He replied "I didn't think 9 months would ever come. I don't know" I started yelling softly at him "You didn't think 9 months would come? What about me? I had to wear what I did for 9 MONTHS, you didn't. You weren't there at all, only towards the end and at that point, I didn't even want you there.You cheated, lied about cheating and then left me all alone to go thru this alone. And now AFTER the fact of me not having our son anymore, you want me back". All he had to say was "The past is the past. I can't change it."
I lost it. I started crying. Its like really, no crap you can't change it. You could just understand a little bit about how I feel. After crying, I fell asleep. He was getting up to leave and he kissed my lips so softly. It felt like in the movies where they are at a crossroads and don't know which way to take, and they have that confused look on their faces. Thats what I felt like. After that night we kept talking. Until something happened again, and all I wanted him to do was fight or something and all I felt like doing was yelling at him and telling him to get lost. Now a couple days ago, I finally ended whatever it was that we had. I couldn't be hurt by the fact that he wasn't there but now he wants to come back in and thinks everything is ok. I know I can be a stubborn mule sometimes, but this isn't one of those times. I told him I can't do this anymore. I can't forgive and forget like he wants me to. Its not that easy for me as he thinks it is. I am grieving the lost of my son, my child, the baby I held in the womb for 9 months with no help from the donor during that time. It seemed like he only wanted me when I was happy. And right now I am a god damn mess. Maybe one day, I will be able to forgive him, but will I ever forget? Nope.
I would have been able to if he was able to stick around during my pregnancy and help me out. But to be gone for 9 months and then after the baby is gone and with the adoptive family and now wants to be apart of my life again, not a chance. Forgive, yes; maybe. Forget, never.
I'm sorry that this is long. I know I dont use Ethan's bio dads name or his aunts name.
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