Why i got pregnant

I didn't meaningfully tried to get pregnant. It happened. I wasn't on birth control. I had finished bleeding from the pill which had messed me up.

In the year before I got pregnant, adrians dad left me. It affected me and shamed me, because I wad trying to move on. But instead everyone thought I got pregnant because she did.

It was being pregnant and single that brought me the most shame. I kept thinking omg, what am I going to do.

I gave Ethan up because society said it was a happy thing to do.

Adrian had a lot to do with.choosing adoption. How was I going to raise two kids being single.

Haven't wrote lately

and I am sorry. Life has gotten in the way. Right now Adrian and I are in FL for the week visiting my grandparents.

I got a message either last night or the night before from the boys telling me that Ethan is going to get tubes in his ears in May. In a way I fail, because I feel like I failed Ethan. Because I couldnt have made him healthy and perfect. I know that most all kids get tubes due to ear infections, but at the same time, I have tubes because of my hearing loss, then Adrian has tubes because of the ear infections.

Lately, Adrian has been telling me that I dont love him and I never wanted him, and that I have been telling people that I never wanted adrian. While, none of it is true. Adrian was not planned but not prevented. Me and his dad knew that we were going to be together, so we didnt really care if we had a kid or not. So Adrian happened. Thats always been the story with Adrian... more than a few people had pushed me to get an abortion, but I didnt want to. Welp, I guess Adrian has over heard me saying about how I wished I never had Ethan, or met his bio dad, for a number of reasons. I love my porkers, but the pain that I have gone through, I dont wish it on anyone. And now Adrian thinks I am talking about him, when I say that stuff. Even though I try tell him that I dont mean it, it never leaves it. Poor kid.

Offended

I have these couple guys that talk to me every couple months and they ask me how life is and how my sons are. And I get offended because both of them know that I placed ethan for adoption. I know I shouldnt get offended, but I do. Yes I consider Ethan my son, but do I want random guys asking me how my sons are? I know it is completely stupid and irrational of me, but it bugs me.

The conversation with my stepmom

So this is how it went down... [I told her over skype chat]... I am YY... And she is AR or whatever lol. You will get the gist. 

[3/16/2011 8:49:52 PM] r: I hear Cris' girlfriend is pregnant?? 
[3/16/2011 8:50:00 PM] : yes 
[3/16/2011 8:50:01 PM] : Chris 
[3/16/2011 8:50:06 PM] Ar: when is she due 
[3/16/2011 8:50:08 PM] y: idk 
[3/16/2011 8:50:20 PM] r: how do you feel about that? 
[3/16/2011 8:50:25 PM] y: im fine 
[3/16/2011 8:50:29 PM] Ar: lies 
[3/16/2011 8:50:35 PM] yey: noo. lol 
[3/16/2011 8:51:05 PM] Aer: I know you still care about him, it is hard to have a kid and not care about it 
[3/16/2011 8:51:13 PM] Alr: I'm here if you need to talk 
[3/16/2011 8:51:20 PM] yy: i seriously dont care he can go to hell 
[3/16/2011 8:51:33 PM] Ar: ok, drinking tonight are we? hehe 
[3/16/2011 8:51:43 PM] yy: aha no I cant 
[3/16/2011 8:51:50 PM] r: why not? 
[3/16/2011 8:51:51 PM] Ar: Gram 
[3/16/2011 8:51:59 PM] yy: no 
[3/16/2011 8:52:06 PM] r: I would definitely drink with her around 
[3/16/2011 8:52:19 PM] : I have a beer in the fridge but I cant 
[3/16/2011 8:52:34 PM] Aer: why not, is the queen coming over 
[3/16/2011 8:52:43 PM] Ar: you're old enough 
[3/16/2011 8:52:47 PM] yey: yes but I cant 
[3/16/2011 8:53:07 PM] Aler: ok, I am not good at games, can't why... have a date? 
[3/16/2011 8:53:26 PM] yy: no bfs not coming over hes working.. 
[3/16/2011 8:53:44 PM] Ar: you might actually like your gram if you start drinking, heavily 
[3/16/2011 8:53:58 PM] Aer: what is his name anyway? 
[3/16/2011 8:54:03 PM] yey: Matt 
[3/16/2011 8:54:12 PM] yey: hes 24 
[3/16/2011 8:54:14 PM] Aer: matt....what 
[3/16/2011 8:54:23 PM] Aer: ok, you will be too 
[3/16/2011 8:54:32 PM] yy: father of 2 and one on the way 
[3/16/2011 8:54:52 PM] Aer: um, why are you messing around with him 
[3/16/2011 8:54:59 PM] yy: ... one on the way.. 
[3/16/2011 8:55:07 PM] Ar: your 
[3/16/2011 8:55:07 PM] yy: yes.. 
[3/16/2011 8:55:10 PM] yy: yes 
[3/16/2011 8:55:17 PM] yy: Im scared. 
[3/16/2011 8:55:23 PM] yy: I told nan last night 
[3/16/2011 8:55:28 PM] Ar: um, but he already has 2, does he have a wife to go with 
[3/16/2011 8:55:37 PM] yy: ? 
[3/16/2011 8:55:40 PM] Aer: you should be scared 
[3/16/2011 8:55:57 PM] Ar: how will you, what will you.. 
[3/16/2011 8:56:07 PM] yy: idk 
[3/16/2011 8:56:18 PM] yey: either keep it or adoption 
[3/16/2011 8:56:23 PM] Aler: i thought you were taking measures.. 
[3/16/2011 8:56:38 PM] ey: well I wasnt on the pill for 4 months then got with him 
[3/16/2011 8:56:41 PM] Aer: honey, how will you support another baby 
[3/16/2011 8:56:47 PM] yy: idk 
[3/16/2011 8:57:03 PM] Aer: i would be happy to help, i hope you know that 
[3/16/2011 8:57:09 PM] yey: I knoe 
[3/16/2011 8:57:11 PM] Aer: how does Matt feel about this 
[3/16/2011 8:57:25 PM] yy: hes just like me 
[3/16/2011 8:57:32 PM] yey: he doesnt know what to think 
[3/16/2011 8:57:36 PM] Aler: he is pregnant too??? 
[3/16/2011 8:57:43 PM] yy: aha 
[3/16/2011 8:57:44 PM] Aer: sorry joke 
[3/16/2011 8:58:05 PM] yey: I got an ultrasound done last week 
[3/16/2011 8:58:13 PM] Ager: well, does he have a wife??? 
[3/16/2011 8:58:16 PM] yy: no 
[3/16/2011 8:58:16 PM] Aer: and... 
[3/16/2011 8:58:23 PM] Aer: what does he do 
[3/16/2011 8:58:24 PM] yey: due 11.4.11 
[3/16/2011 8:58:30 PM] yy: hes a mall cop 
[3/16/2011 8:58:34 PM] yy: yes 
[3/16/2011 8:58:36 PM] Aer: Paul Blart 
[3/16/2011 8:58:50 PM] yy: aha 
[3/16/2011 8:58:53 PM] Ar: does he want to be with you 
[3/16/2011 8:58:56 PM] yey: yes 
[3/16/2011 8:59:02 PM] Ar: well get married then 
[3/16/2011 8:59:15 PM] Ar: move in with him, something 
[3/16/2011 8:59:37 PM] Aer: honey you know how hard it was with the Asshole 
[3/16/2011 8:59:37 PM] yy: I cant.. adrian school and everything here 
[3/16/2011 8:59:48 PM] Aer: so what, there are more schools 
[3/16/2011 8:59:48 PM] yey: I know.. but I just cant right now. 
[3/16/2011 9:00:04 PM] yvey: hell... I might get kicked out after the bitch finds out 
[3/16/2011 9:00:06 PM] Aer: you need to do something, now is as good a time as any 
[3/16/2011 9:00:16 PM] Ar: well, how is she not going to 
[3/16/2011 9:00:25 PM] Ar: um, gee you are gettiung fat 
[3/16/2011 9:00:41 PM] Aer: you need to be on your own anyway 
[3/16/2011 9:00:45 PM] Ar: live your own life 
[3/16/2011 9:01:02 PM] Alr: she is not your boss 
[3/16/2011 9:01:05 PM] yy: I know 
[3/16/2011 9:01:10 PM] Aler: well... 
[3/16/2011 9:01:21 PM] Ar: if you are happy about this... 
[3/16/2011 9:01:22 PM] yvy: Its realllllly hard right now 
[3/16/2011 9:01:29 PM] y: Im not happy about it 
[3/16/2011 9:01:30 PM] Aer: realllllllly hard how? 
[3/16/2011 9:01:37 PM] Alr: oh 
[3/16/2011 9:01:57 PM] Ar: I would be glad to take the baby if you don't want to or cant 
[3/16/2011 9:02:14 PM] Ar: and then you would still be able to be part of his/her life 
[3/16/2011 9:02:23 PM] y: leash I know you and dad would love to.. but I would never be able to go over there. 
[3/16/2011 9:02:36 PM] Ar: would it be better wondering 
[3/16/2011 9:02:47 PM] r: never being able to know 
[3/16/2011 9:03:09 PM] r: besides, no offense, but you dont come over much now 
[3/16/2011 9:03:54 PM] : and if you get kicked out, well I would like to think you would come here 
[3/16/2011 9:04:25 PM] : I am not trying to pressure you, just trying to help 
[3/16/2011 9:04:46 PM] Ar: sometimes it is better to have a plan, even if it changes down the road 
[3/16/2011 9:05:10 PM] A: so Matt is divorced or a single Dad? 
[3/16/2011 9:05:32 PM] Aliser: heeeeelllllllllloooooooo 
[3/16/2011 9:05:39 PM] Aer: are you still there 
[3/16/2011 9:05:46 PM] r: Mc Fly????? 
[3/16/2011 9:06:06 PM] y: single 
[3/16/2011 9:06:08 PM] y: never married 
[3/16/2011 9:06:19 PM] Ar: I know we have had our "problems" but i do love you and want to do what I can for you 
[3/16/2011 9:06:20 PM] yy: yes I just jhad to come upstairs 
[3/16/2011 9:06:25 PM] y: I know 
[3/16/2011 9:06:26 PM] Ar: gotcha 
[3/16/2011 9:06:39 PM] Aer: Does he have the kids 
[3/16/2011 9:07:00 PM] yvy: no but he sees hes oldest all the time 
[3/16/2011 9:07:02 PM] Aer: where does he live? 
[3/16/2011 9:07:09 PM] Aliser: how old? 
[3/16/2011 9:07:17 PM] Alr: why not the younger one 
[3/16/2011 9:07:31 PM] yy: and he tries and see the 2 yr old as much as possible but from what he said the mother is a complete cunt to him 
[3/16/2011 9:07:36 PM] yy: the oldest is 7 
[3/16/2011 9:07:47 PM] yy: in elsemere with a roommate 
[3/16/2011 9:08:10 PM] Alier: get a place nearby 
[3/16/2011 9:08:17 PM] Alier: see if he can move in and pay rent 
[3/16/2011 9:08:36 PM] Aer: 2 baby mommas 
[3/16/2011 9:08:41 PM] Ar: ?? 
[3/16/2011 9:08:56 PM] Aler: and what is his last name? 
[3/16/2011 9:10:18 PM] yvy: dallago 
[3/16/2011 9:10:39 PM] Aer: what does he look like, cute? 
[3/16/2011 9:10:45 PM] r: hair, eyes 
[3/16/2011 9:10:48 PM] r: tall 
[3/16/2011 9:10:51 PM] r: good teeth 
[3/16/2011 9:10:57 PM] r: i like good teeth 
[3/16/2011 9:12:04 PM] Ar: are you there 
[3/16/2011 9:12:10 PM] Ar: is Bubba in bed? 
[3/16/2011 9:12:21 PM] r: I can talk to you later if now is not good 
[3/16/2011 9:14:13 PM] r: call me if you want to talk 
[3/16/2011 9:14:21 PM] : ((hug)) 

I wanted to post this here because I didnt want to lose it.