Trying to keep my head busy.

Since my last post, I have been trying to keep my head busy. If I dont, I resort to thoughts about Ethan and how my life would be if I had him and raising him and Adrian together. Needless to say, it is very hard. Last monday night, I decided it was time for me to destroy the kitchen and remove everything from the cabinets and rearrange things. Well, now it is wednesday night and I have done about 60% of cleaning and wiping things down. Now I have to put everything back, and decide what needs to go down the basement. I feel so overwhemled with this. I know I put myself in this place. But I cant help but put the blame on my thoughts. I guess they thought that I would be better if I tackled something huge like this.
Its times like this where I just want to say I give up everything. I keep thinking maybe if I do this, or this that this might make things easier for me to deal with the loss of my son. I know its not having me actually deal with this, its covering up everything and pushing it back until later. Maybe, just maybe if I do this or not do this I wont think of Ethan. Or possibly if I do this and completely ignore this thing, Adrian will not bring up Ethan and ask me how hes doing.
I am starting to think that I am slowly developing OCD tendencies due to placing Ethan. I hope I'm not. Maybe, once I heal more that they will go away. Oh, well. Time will tell. So for now, I have to tackle this kitchen that I decided to redo over and clean and dust everything. Well, wish me luck! Here I go diving back into it.