Yeah so its been a long time since I have wrote anything. Ethan will be a year old soon. Doesnt really seem that long ago since he was born. But in a year I have changed a lot emotionally. I still regret the adoption. I regret not getting an abortion. I regret a lot of things. But I cant change them. It is still hard for me to look at Ethans pictures. But he is looking more like me with each picture I see, and for that I am really happy.
About a couple weeks ago, I broke down and cried for hours on end about Ethan and the adoption. It was hard. I found myself hating me, Ethan, Adrian, and bio dad. I hated the fact that I had to give him up but yet it is totally ok for bio dad to make another baby and be happy. Why cant that be me? Why cant I have my son with me and Adrian? Why cant I be happy with both of my boys?
I wish I could say that I am better. But Im not. After 11 months, I am going to see a therapist. I can not hate Ethan, myself or Adrian.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Ethans Birthstory
WARNING: THIS IS LONG! I AM SORRY THAT IT IS LONG!
I went to the doctors November 1st and she checked me and told me that I was 2 to 3 cm and 40% effaced and that I would have him by the weekend. He was headdown. [FINALLY!!!! lol. He was a big flip flopper] Well the next day I woke up having irregular contractions. Well I got my son off to school and did nothing. Then I called my friend, Amy and told her that I had been having irregular contraction, YET AGAIN. I had a huge problem with PTL from 28 weeks on... I never had full blown PTL but I was having strong and painful contractions. She told me if anything else happened we would go to the L and D.
So while waiting for my son to get home from school, I walked the cal da sac for about 10 minutes before my left hip started hurting again. After he got home I started having pains again, so I called amy and told her that I think I need to be checked out. Well it was hours before she got to pick me up. During that time I got things ready for myself and my son in case I had to be admitted for being in labor. So during that time I was waiting for her, I had to go to the bathroom. TMI-- I pooped and pooped until nothing else came out, and I sat on the toilet for about a good 45 minutes feeling pressure down there and feeling like I had to push. So I called her and said yeah I deff need to get checked out. I called my mom and told her that we were going to go to L and D and that she would need to take adrian.
So amy got to my house then we dropped adrian off. Amy and I headed to L and D. We got there about 6ish. We had to sit in the waiting room for a good hour until a triage room opened up. By the time we got in there the pains had stopped. Well they hooked me up and everything. I was still 2 to 3 cms and I was 60% effaced. They said that I was having contractions but not strong enough to change my cervix so they had me and all of my junk [I couldnt leave it in the room because they had a room shortage ]. My friend and I decided that we would take a wheelchair and wheel my stuff around. When we started walking it was about 8 pm.
Amy wanted to push the wheelchair but I told her no I wanted to do it because it gave me something to lean on. We walked the downstairs of the hospital twice before I started having strong contractions. This is what gets me about some people ssaying dont go in until you cant walk or talk during a contraction. These contractions that I was having while walking, were the same intense contractions that gave me ethan and I walked right thru it and I talked to Julio [ one of the adoptive dads]. Well we had only been walking for about an hour and I was in full blown labor and at this point I was 4 to 5 cms and 70% effaced so they admitted me.
They gave me my IV by my crease of elbow. At this point I was calling everyone and telling them that I was being admitted and how I was progressing. When I finally got into my room, I called the adoptive dads, Ryan and Julio, to come and wait with us. Around 10ish the on call doctor came in and said I was 6 cms and since I was already having intense contractions and since my cervix is quickly changing they would break my water. They broke my water and it didnt do a gush, it just trickled out. So I was having intense contractions for hours and talking to Ryan and Julio during them. Julio was amazed that I was having a very intense contraction and yet talking to them. I told them I have a very high tolerance for pain. But around 1230 - 100 am, it became to painful.
At this point, still not pit! And very proud of myself. But since it became to painful, I opted for the magic drug. I will admit that I cried. I cried for a number of reasons: I was scared, I was having flashbacks to my birth with my son and being with his father, and I didnt know how things would go once I got the epi. Once I got the epi, I had the side effects of it, the shaking and trembling for a while but then that went away. I was able to sleep off and on for about 2 and half hours. While I was sleeping I kept on feeling that I needed to push. Finally around 415ish, I woke up and said I feel the need to push. Julio rushed outta the room to get the doctor or a nurse.
The nurse came in and said do you feel the need to push? I said YEAH! The doctor came in about 420 and checked me and said that he was -1. And I was like Im pushing. So we got everything in place. & I started pushing.... and at this point become a blur. But I pushed a few times and everyone around me was yelling at me to stop pushing, but I kept on pushing. Then I stopped and the nurse and everyone said two more good pushes and then he'll be out! Well I pushed for a good 15 seconds and then she was telling me to stop. I stopped for 2 seconds. Then started again and I could feel her cutting me so he could come out because at this point, I was NOT STOPPING for anything! And then he was born at 4:31 am.
They did not place him on my stomach, I did not look at him nor did I hold him. I asked how much he weighed and if he was ok. Ethan Alexander weighed 8 lbs 15.15 oz. & 21 and a half inches long. He was no cone-headed baby, his brother wasnt one either. Ryan and Julio spent most of their time in the other part of the room with Ethan. While I was getting stitched up, I called the father and my mom to tell them that he was born. I didnt ask how many stitches I had to have.
Like a half and hour after he was born, I asked amy to take my phone and take pictures of him. She took 3 pictures of him. I saw them, I lost it. [Amy told me this] I was turned to amy crying and babbling about things with Ethan [Not about his health], Julio had Ethan in his arms and pointed to me and then back to Ethan. Then Amy asked me [nonchalantly] do you want to hold and see Ethan? I said no. I didnt see Amy, but she nodded her head no to Julio.
A few hours later, the nurses were moving Ethan upstairs to the nursery, they again asked me if I wanted to see him. Before this Amy and I agreed that I needed to eat and sleep before I saw Ethan. So I said no again. & They asked me if he was going to be in the room with me. I said no. I said he will be in the nursey until I ask for him. I said I would like him on demand. And asked if the Dads would have a room if there was one available for them to room with Ethan. And they said they had a room just for them. & they told me they got me a private room, so I could have privacy since this is a sensitive time for me.
Around 8ish I got to my room. The nurse that I had was so nice and helpful. I loved the doctor that delivered Ethan. I loved the nurse that helped also. My first nurse helped me so much. She told me if I needed help she would be there and I could talk to her. Once I got to my room, I ate, tried to sleep, and watched a bit of tv and updated BG and facebook with pictures and replying to comments that had been left. Around 10, I was crying and sobbing and I called the nurse and asked to her bring Ethan in. She placed Ethan in my arms, I cried harder. She told me that if I needed her that she was just a beep away.
I held Ethan for a good half and hour before they needed to take him away for something. After he left, I cried a bit. The nurse came in took my vitals, took my IV out and helped me up to walk around. After I walked around and got back in bed, I fell asleep. Then I woke up to lunch and ate. Then after that I called my dads mom and told her that I had ethan, and shes like oh ok. You still havent changed your mind yet? I said no. I told her that my baby sister is going to come in [shes 12] with my stepmom, and I would call my dad to see if he wanted to come see ethan and meet the dads. I called my dad afterwards, and he said oh ok, well I dont want to come because I will get attached. I said ok. I got off the phone and cussed him.
My mom and Adrian came in after adrian was done school. Of course adrian was bouncing all over the place. I called the nurse and told her that I wanted ethan so Adrian could meet his brother. Well they had to do the hearing test, so they did it in the room. They placed Ethan right in front of my mom. She was on the phone and she started crying. Then my stepmom and sister came in while they were testing. After they were done testing, I called the nurse again and asked for the dads for them to meet my sister, stepmom, adrian and my mom. Ryan and Julio came in the room, Adrian bounced up and down and was so hyper to meet them. I introduced them to everyone. My stepmom didnt say a damn word to them. My sister held Ethan for about 5 minutes and took pictures and left. Adrian held Ethan, my mom took pictures, I held ethan with adrian and she took pictures.
My mom asked questions to Ryan and Julio, so did adrian. He also told jokes to them. Ryan and Julio left. Shortly after that my mom and adrian left to go home and make dinner...
I am sorry that this is super long.
I will get to the next day... which is important in this story.
Around 945 am on nov. 4th, the father came. We were giving our rights up to Ethan. He came in and I cried a little bit. Then I called the nurse for Ethan, so the dad could hold him a bit before we needed to do the paperwork with the adoption agency. He was holding ethan, and crying. He kept turning from me so I wouldnt be able to see him crying. Then the adoption agency came and then at the same time they needed to get Ethans blood to check his jaundice levels. Then we got the paperwork all done. I didnt break down until the dads aunt came in the room and I lost it. My ex was still holding ethan when she came in the room. She held ethan for a few minutes, then met with Ryan and Julio who were in the middle of doing paper work when I called them. So I didnt keep them long. His aunt didnt stay long the first time, because she had to go visit her dad who was also in the hospital. So it left me with my ex again. He was holding Ethan again and trying not to cry. He gave Ethan back to me and I started crying. He held me for a minute. Then he left for work.
I was there with ethan, just crying my eyes out trying to talk to him and explain to him why I couldnt raise him.
"My dear boy, I wish I could raise you. I just cant. Its too much on me already to have your brother, hes a damn handful at times. I am 24 years old dont have a dime to my name barely. I dont have a job and a car. I would have 2 kids that dads barely see them, and I would be raising you with what I can scrap up. It no life for you, adrian, or myself. At least with your daddies you will be in the best care and love possible. You have so much already and your a day old. So many people in this state love you. So many people where you will live love you and cant wait to see you grow up. To me I will be your mom and you will be my son. For what you will call me is up to you. I am fine with anything. I am so happy that I found your dads. I never thought htat I would find them and I would have had settled for second best for you. & I couldnt have that. Not for you. Getting pregnant with you was a mistake, but YOU werent a mistake, you were a surprise that someone thought I needed. Ethan Alexander I love you and only want whats best for you."
For those who stuck out and read this whole damn thing.. Thank you. I know its uber long. If you have any questions about my adoption or adoption in general please feel free to PM me or comment on this thread.
http://forum.baby-gaga.com/about2185668.html
I went to the doctors November 1st and she checked me and told me that I was 2 to 3 cm and 40% effaced and that I would have him by the weekend. He was headdown. [FINALLY!!!! lol. He was a big flip flopper] Well the next day I woke up having irregular contractions. Well I got my son off to school and did nothing. Then I called my friend, Amy and told her that I had been having irregular contraction, YET AGAIN. I had a huge problem with PTL from 28 weeks on... I never had full blown PTL but I was having strong and painful contractions. She told me if anything else happened we would go to the L and D.
So while waiting for my son to get home from school, I walked the cal da sac for about 10 minutes before my left hip started hurting again. After he got home I started having pains again, so I called amy and told her that I think I need to be checked out. Well it was hours before she got to pick me up. During that time I got things ready for myself and my son in case I had to be admitted for being in labor. So during that time I was waiting for her, I had to go to the bathroom. TMI-- I pooped and pooped until nothing else came out, and I sat on the toilet for about a good 45 minutes feeling pressure down there and feeling like I had to push. So I called her and said yeah I deff need to get checked out. I called my mom and told her that we were going to go to L and D and that she would need to take adrian.
So amy got to my house then we dropped adrian off. Amy and I headed to L and D. We got there about 6ish. We had to sit in the waiting room for a good hour until a triage room opened up. By the time we got in there the pains had stopped. Well they hooked me up and everything. I was still 2 to 3 cms and I was 60% effaced. They said that I was having contractions but not strong enough to change my cervix so they had me and all of my junk [I couldnt leave it in the room because they had a room shortage ]. My friend and I decided that we would take a wheelchair and wheel my stuff around. When we started walking it was about 8 pm.
Amy wanted to push the wheelchair but I told her no I wanted to do it because it gave me something to lean on. We walked the downstairs of the hospital twice before I started having strong contractions. This is what gets me about some people ssaying dont go in until you cant walk or talk during a contraction. These contractions that I was having while walking, were the same intense contractions that gave me ethan and I walked right thru it and I talked to Julio [ one of the adoptive dads]. Well we had only been walking for about an hour and I was in full blown labor and at this point I was 4 to 5 cms and 70% effaced so they admitted me.
They gave me my IV by my crease of elbow. At this point I was calling everyone and telling them that I was being admitted and how I was progressing. When I finally got into my room, I called the adoptive dads, Ryan and Julio, to come and wait with us. Around 10ish the on call doctor came in and said I was 6 cms and since I was already having intense contractions and since my cervix is quickly changing they would break my water. They broke my water and it didnt do a gush, it just trickled out. So I was having intense contractions for hours and talking to Ryan and Julio during them. Julio was amazed that I was having a very intense contraction and yet talking to them. I told them I have a very high tolerance for pain. But around 1230 - 100 am, it became to painful.
At this point, still not pit! And very proud of myself. But since it became to painful, I opted for the magic drug. I will admit that I cried. I cried for a number of reasons: I was scared, I was having flashbacks to my birth with my son and being with his father, and I didnt know how things would go once I got the epi. Once I got the epi, I had the side effects of it, the shaking and trembling for a while but then that went away. I was able to sleep off and on for about 2 and half hours. While I was sleeping I kept on feeling that I needed to push. Finally around 415ish, I woke up and said I feel the need to push. Julio rushed outta the room to get the doctor or a nurse.
The nurse came in and said do you feel the need to push? I said YEAH! The doctor came in about 420 and checked me and said that he was -1. And I was like Im pushing. So we got everything in place. & I started pushing.... and at this point become a blur. But I pushed a few times and everyone around me was yelling at me to stop pushing, but I kept on pushing. Then I stopped and the nurse and everyone said two more good pushes and then he'll be out! Well I pushed for a good 15 seconds and then she was telling me to stop. I stopped for 2 seconds. Then started again and I could feel her cutting me so he could come out because at this point, I was NOT STOPPING for anything! And then he was born at 4:31 am.
They did not place him on my stomach, I did not look at him nor did I hold him. I asked how much he weighed and if he was ok. Ethan Alexander weighed 8 lbs 15.15 oz. & 21 and a half inches long. He was no cone-headed baby, his brother wasnt one either. Ryan and Julio spent most of their time in the other part of the room with Ethan. While I was getting stitched up, I called the father and my mom to tell them that he was born. I didnt ask how many stitches I had to have.
Like a half and hour after he was born, I asked amy to take my phone and take pictures of him. She took 3 pictures of him. I saw them, I lost it. [Amy told me this] I was turned to amy crying and babbling about things with Ethan [Not about his health], Julio had Ethan in his arms and pointed to me and then back to Ethan. Then Amy asked me [nonchalantly] do you want to hold and see Ethan? I said no. I didnt see Amy, but she nodded her head no to Julio.
A few hours later, the nurses were moving Ethan upstairs to the nursery, they again asked me if I wanted to see him. Before this Amy and I agreed that I needed to eat and sleep before I saw Ethan. So I said no again. & They asked me if he was going to be in the room with me. I said no. I said he will be in the nursey until I ask for him. I said I would like him on demand. And asked if the Dads would have a room if there was one available for them to room with Ethan. And they said they had a room just for them. & they told me they got me a private room, so I could have privacy since this is a sensitive time for me.
Around 8ish I got to my room. The nurse that I had was so nice and helpful. I loved the doctor that delivered Ethan. I loved the nurse that helped also. My first nurse helped me so much. She told me if I needed help she would be there and I could talk to her. Once I got to my room, I ate, tried to sleep, and watched a bit of tv and updated BG and facebook with pictures and replying to comments that had been left. Around 10, I was crying and sobbing and I called the nurse and asked to her bring Ethan in. She placed Ethan in my arms, I cried harder. She told me that if I needed her that she was just a beep away.
I held Ethan for a good half and hour before they needed to take him away for something. After he left, I cried a bit. The nurse came in took my vitals, took my IV out and helped me up to walk around. After I walked around and got back in bed, I fell asleep. Then I woke up to lunch and ate. Then after that I called my dads mom and told her that I had ethan, and shes like oh ok. You still havent changed your mind yet? I said no. I told her that my baby sister is going to come in [shes 12] with my stepmom, and I would call my dad to see if he wanted to come see ethan and meet the dads. I called my dad afterwards, and he said oh ok, well I dont want to come because I will get attached. I said ok. I got off the phone and cussed him.
My mom and Adrian came in after adrian was done school. Of course adrian was bouncing all over the place. I called the nurse and told her that I wanted ethan so Adrian could meet his brother. Well they had to do the hearing test, so they did it in the room. They placed Ethan right in front of my mom. She was on the phone and she started crying. Then my stepmom and sister came in while they were testing. After they were done testing, I called the nurse again and asked for the dads for them to meet my sister, stepmom, adrian and my mom. Ryan and Julio came in the room, Adrian bounced up and down and was so hyper to meet them. I introduced them to everyone. My stepmom didnt say a damn word to them. My sister held Ethan for about 5 minutes and took pictures and left. Adrian held Ethan, my mom took pictures, I held ethan with adrian and she took pictures.
My mom asked questions to Ryan and Julio, so did adrian. He also told jokes to them. Ryan and Julio left. Shortly after that my mom and adrian left to go home and make dinner...
I am sorry that this is super long.
I will get to the next day... which is important in this story.
Around 945 am on nov. 4th, the father came. We were giving our rights up to Ethan. He came in and I cried a little bit. Then I called the nurse for Ethan, so the dad could hold him a bit before we needed to do the paperwork with the adoption agency. He was holding ethan, and crying. He kept turning from me so I wouldnt be able to see him crying. Then the adoption agency came and then at the same time they needed to get Ethans blood to check his jaundice levels. Then we got the paperwork all done. I didnt break down until the dads aunt came in the room and I lost it. My ex was still holding ethan when she came in the room. She held ethan for a few minutes, then met with Ryan and Julio who were in the middle of doing paper work when I called them. So I didnt keep them long. His aunt didnt stay long the first time, because she had to go visit her dad who was also in the hospital. So it left me with my ex again. He was holding Ethan again and trying not to cry. He gave Ethan back to me and I started crying. He held me for a minute. Then he left for work.
I was there with ethan, just crying my eyes out trying to talk to him and explain to him why I couldnt raise him.
"My dear boy, I wish I could raise you. I just cant. Its too much on me already to have your brother, hes a damn handful at times. I am 24 years old dont have a dime to my name barely. I dont have a job and a car. I would have 2 kids that dads barely see them, and I would be raising you with what I can scrap up. It no life for you, adrian, or myself. At least with your daddies you will be in the best care and love possible. You have so much already and your a day old. So many people in this state love you. So many people where you will live love you and cant wait to see you grow up. To me I will be your mom and you will be my son. For what you will call me is up to you. I am fine with anything. I am so happy that I found your dads. I never thought htat I would find them and I would have had settled for second best for you. & I couldnt have that. Not for you. Getting pregnant with you was a mistake, but YOU werent a mistake, you were a surprise that someone thought I needed. Ethan Alexander I love you and only want whats best for you."
For those who stuck out and read this whole damn thing.. Thank you. I know its uber long. If you have any questions about my adoption or adoption in general please feel free to PM me or comment on this thread.
http://forum.baby-gaga.com/about2185668.html
Thursday, May 24, 2012
I wonder
I wonder if Ethan turned out to be a girl how the outcome would have been. I wonder if he was a girl if his bio dad would fight tooth and nail to keep her because just the fact that she is a girl. I wonder how I would have reacted to having a girl. I dont believe in god but I do believe that someone wanted this [meaning the adoption process] to go easier for me. It would have killed me to know that I had a daughter and I couldnt have her. Yes, it is hard having a son and knowing that I cant have him. But could you imagine, you already had a son and you wanted a daughter but you had to put whatever baby you were pregnant with at the time for adoption and it was a girl.
All of this sparked my imagintion today while siting in the doctors office and seeing a young mom [around my age] with 2 daughters and a son. And I thought to myself, wow that could have been me. I could have had Adrian who is now 5, then another baby who would have been 3, then Ethan who is almost 7 months old. What life would I have had, or they would have had. I cant help but think what if Ethan was a girl, what would bio dad have done? A more important question, what would *I* have done? It would have been so DIFFERENT for bio dad if he knew that I was carrying a girl. Since he already has 2 other boys, and I knew that he wanted a girl.
I try not to think about things like that because it just brings hatred to me for all the crappy things that he had done to me. I was naive, I was stupid, I wanted a rebound from adrians dad leaving, so I guess that is what made me blind. Again here I am picking the pieces of my life back up and trying to start anew, but with a stronger mental lookout, and a new experience to add under my belt. As hard as it is for me to talk about Ethan and the loss I feel, I feel it easier to type then talk. Hence this blog. Aha.
All of this sparked my imagintion today while siting in the doctors office and seeing a young mom [around my age] with 2 daughters and a son. And I thought to myself, wow that could have been me. I could have had Adrian who is now 5, then another baby who would have been 3, then Ethan who is almost 7 months old. What life would I have had, or they would have had. I cant help but think what if Ethan was a girl, what would bio dad have done? A more important question, what would *I* have done? It would have been so DIFFERENT for bio dad if he knew that I was carrying a girl. Since he already has 2 other boys, and I knew that he wanted a girl.
I try not to think about things like that because it just brings hatred to me for all the crappy things that he had done to me. I was naive, I was stupid, I wanted a rebound from adrians dad leaving, so I guess that is what made me blind. Again here I am picking the pieces of my life back up and trying to start anew, but with a stronger mental lookout, and a new experience to add under my belt. As hard as it is for me to talk about Ethan and the loss I feel, I feel it easier to type then talk. Hence this blog. Aha.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Been MIA
I have been MIA for a bit but now Im back. Ive been having horrible days and great days. It still pains me to see Ethans pictures. It sucks that he looks like his bio dad. I recently had a friend I told that I didnt like talking indebth [sorry, spell check isnt giving me the right word] about Ethan because then I would go into a depression for a good couple of days to a week and Adrian wouldnt have a mom, and that wouldnt be fair. And she told me that if she needed to she would call me in and have someone take me away to the psych ward. I told her that I am fine, and for everything that I have been through I am very sane. After that I cut it off. It was bad enough for her to be mad at me for every little thing. She had told me that she was upset that I didnt want her in the delivery room.
Its sad that Ive cut people out of my life. But it is for the better. I am going on 25 in a month and a half, I dont need stupid and petty drama in my life not while I am trying to deal with loosing my son. I miss him dearly. I love him. Apart of me wants to fight to keep him, but the other part is telling me that I am not in the place where I can keep him. The urge of keeping him isnt strong enough. I know that this is just a coping process that I have to go through.
It hurts that I have to go through this alone. I cant talk to my mom. I feel as though she wants to already forget about it. She doesnt even ask me how hes doing anymore. Sometimes when I feel down, I get so pissed at her for saying after I had him "you dont want to hurt ryan and julio." I mean really its my son. Why would have cared about hurting them? If I wanted my son, I would have hurt anyone that I deemed possible. I mean look at who I "fought" with to make sure that I got my choice in ryan and julio to adopt him.
I will try to update the blog once a week to write what I am feeling. It hurts to talk about him and hurts to talk about my feelings. I have shared very little since me and his bio dad split again a few months ago. I felt like I could talk to him about it, but he didnt really care about anything and what I had to say.
Its sad that Ive cut people out of my life. But it is for the better. I am going on 25 in a month and a half, I dont need stupid and petty drama in my life not while I am trying to deal with loosing my son. I miss him dearly. I love him. Apart of me wants to fight to keep him, but the other part is telling me that I am not in the place where I can keep him. The urge of keeping him isnt strong enough. I know that this is just a coping process that I have to go through.
It hurts that I have to go through this alone. I cant talk to my mom. I feel as though she wants to already forget about it. She doesnt even ask me how hes doing anymore. Sometimes when I feel down, I get so pissed at her for saying after I had him "you dont want to hurt ryan and julio." I mean really its my son. Why would have cared about hurting them? If I wanted my son, I would have hurt anyone that I deemed possible. I mean look at who I "fought" with to make sure that I got my choice in ryan and julio to adopt him.
I will try to update the blog once a week to write what I am feeling. It hurts to talk about him and hurts to talk about my feelings. I have shared very little since me and his bio dad split again a few months ago. I felt like I could talk to him about it, but he didnt really care about anything and what I had to say.
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