I wonder

I wonder if Ethan turned out to be a girl how the outcome would have been. I wonder if he was a girl if his bio dad would fight tooth and nail to keep her because just the fact that she is a girl. I wonder how I would have reacted to having a girl. I dont believe in god but I do believe that someone wanted this [meaning the adoption process] to go easier for me. It would have killed me to know that I had a daughter and I couldnt have her. Yes, it is hard having a son and knowing that I cant have him. But could you imagine, you already had a son and you wanted a daughter but you had to put whatever baby you were pregnant with at the time for adoption and it was a girl. 
All of this sparked my imagintion today while siting in the doctors office and seeing a young mom [around my age] with 2 daughters and a son. And I thought to myself, wow that could have been me. I could have had Adrian who is now 5, then another baby who would have been 3, then Ethan who is almost 7 months old. What life would I have had, or they would have had. I cant help but think what if Ethan was a girl, what would bio dad have done? A more important question, what would *I* have done? It would have been so DIFFERENT for bio dad if he knew that I was carrying a girl. Since he already has 2 other boys, and I knew that he wanted a girl. 
I try not to think about things like that because it just brings hatred to me for all the crappy things that he had done to me. I was naive, I was stupid, I wanted a rebound from adrians dad leaving, so I guess that is what made me blind. Again here I am picking the pieces of my life back up and trying to start anew, but with a stronger mental lookout, and a new experience to add under my belt. As hard as it is for me to talk about Ethan and the loss I feel, I feel it easier to type then talk. Hence this blog. Aha.