I wonder

I wonder if Ethan turned out to be a girl how the outcome would have been. I wonder if he was a girl if his bio dad would fight tooth and nail to keep her because just the fact that she is a girl. I wonder how I would have reacted to having a girl. I dont believe in god but I do believe that someone wanted this [meaning the adoption process] to go easier for me. It would have killed me to know that I had a daughter and I couldnt have her. Yes, it is hard having a son and knowing that I cant have him. But could you imagine, you already had a son and you wanted a daughter but you had to put whatever baby you were pregnant with at the time for adoption and it was a girl. 
All of this sparked my imagintion today while siting in the doctors office and seeing a young mom [around my age] with 2 daughters and a son. And I thought to myself, wow that could have been me. I could have had Adrian who is now 5, then another baby who would have been 3, then Ethan who is almost 7 months old. What life would I have had, or they would have had. I cant help but think what if Ethan was a girl, what would bio dad have done? A more important question, what would *I* have done? It would have been so DIFFERENT for bio dad if he knew that I was carrying a girl. Since he already has 2 other boys, and I knew that he wanted a girl. 
I try not to think about things like that because it just brings hatred to me for all the crappy things that he had done to me. I was naive, I was stupid, I wanted a rebound from adrians dad leaving, so I guess that is what made me blind. Again here I am picking the pieces of my life back up and trying to start anew, but with a stronger mental lookout, and a new experience to add under my belt. As hard as it is for me to talk about Ethan and the loss I feel, I feel it easier to type then talk. Hence this blog. Aha.

Been MIA

I have been MIA for a bit but now Im back. Ive been having horrible days and great days. It still pains me to see Ethans pictures. It sucks that he looks like his bio dad. I recently had a friend I told that I didnt like talking indebth [sorry, spell check isnt giving me the right word] about Ethan because then I would go into a depression for a good couple of days to a week and Adrian wouldnt have a mom, and that wouldnt be fair. And she told me that if she needed to she would call me in and have someone take me away to the psych ward. I told her that I am fine, and for everything that I have been through I am very sane. After that I cut it off. It was bad enough for her to be mad at me for every little thing. She had told me that she was upset that I didnt want her in the delivery room.
Its sad that Ive cut people out of my life. But it is for the better. I am going on 25 in a month and a half, I dont need stupid and petty drama in my life not while I am trying to deal with loosing my son. I miss him dearly. I love him. Apart of me wants to fight to keep him, but the other part is telling me that I am not in the place where I can keep him. The urge of keeping him isnt strong enough. I know that this is just a coping process that I have to go through.
It hurts that I have to go through this alone. I cant talk to my mom. I feel as though she wants to already forget about it. She doesnt even ask me how hes doing anymore. Sometimes when I feel down, I get so pissed at her for saying after I had him "you dont want to hurt ryan and julio." I mean really its my son. Why would have cared about hurting them? If I wanted my son, I would have hurt anyone that I deemed possible. I mean look at who I "fought" with to make sure that I got my choice in ryan and julio to adopt him.
I will try to update the blog once a week to write what I am feeling. It hurts to talk about him and hurts to talk about my feelings. I have shared very little since me and his bio dad split again a few months ago. I felt like I could talk to him about it, but he didnt really care about anything and what I had to say.

Florida trip

I'm down in fl for 10 days with Adrian for his spring break. I was on the plane and I was thinking when I was on there last time pregnant with Ethan. Then I remembered telling his bio dad that he needed to screw off, and found out that he moved his bimbo up to live with him in his apt. Not even an hour into being here and I'm thinking of how I just want to lay in bed and forget about everything. I know I will be ok. But so much has happened to me while I have been down here to visit. I think with time I will be better. I wish I could forget everything and not feel pain. 

Past 2 years

The past 2 years have been so hard for me. Not only did I loose who I thought was my best friend and the love of my life, but I lost a child. Doing random things bring back random memories of both and makes me want to curl up in bed and cry. I never wanted any of this to happen. If I did believe in god, I would start rethinking in believing in him. Here I am getting ready for adrians birthday and my mind is trailing off in other directions. I wish things can get better from here.

While writing helps me deal with both, its still hard to let others know how I am feeling. I know if I communicate my feelings, I will get "I'm sorry". And I don't want that.