Florida trip

I'm down in fl for 10 days with Adrian for his spring break. I was on the plane and I was thinking when I was on there last time pregnant with Ethan. Then I remembered telling his bio dad that he needed to screw off, and found out that he moved his bimbo up to live with him in his apt. Not even an hour into being here and I'm thinking of how I just want to lay in bed and forget about everything. I know I will be ok. But so much has happened to me while I have been down here to visit. I think with time I will be better. I wish I could forget everything and not feel pain. 

Past 2 years

The past 2 years have been so hard for me. Not only did I loose who I thought was my best friend and the love of my life, but I lost a child. Doing random things bring back random memories of both and makes me want to curl up in bed and cry. I never wanted any of this to happen. If I did believe in god, I would start rethinking in believing in him. Here I am getting ready for adrians birthday and my mind is trailing off in other directions. I wish things can get better from here.

While writing helps me deal with both, its still hard to let others know how I am feeling. I know if I communicate my feelings, I will get "I'm sorry". And I don't want that.

No sad faces

I haven't posted anything lately, due to having a hard time with my emotions. But today I got to wondering how other people look at me, like perceive me as a person.
This was all brought on by my mom having lunch with one of her dear friends. I know my mom has told people at her work and such. But I wonder how people, like a close friend like her friend, sees me. I know they give the sad looks and the "I'm sorrys". I have honestly had enough of those. I mean it was for the better. What's done is done.
I just would like to know if the perceive me as a horrible mom, a slut, unfit... or what. I know my moms friend knows a lot about our life and what we have been thru.
I want to get a point where I don't care what they think of me or perceive me as, I know how I look at myself and that should be good enough. I am controlled right now on how other people see me. Like I just said, it shouldn't matter. I know it was a mistake that I got pregnant (even though some people believe that I got pregnant on purpose. Even though I told them I didn't. They think I did because Adrian's dads wife got pregnant.), it was for the best and he is making two wonderful men happy.

It bothers me.

It really bothers me when someone says that I am not Ethans mom. And that I gave up my "mom" rights when I signed my rights away, so I should lose that title. I realize that I am not his parent, Ryan and Julio are, I also realize that I do have special relationship with them and Ethan being his birth mom. But I am his mom, just like he is my son.
Yes, I do not see him everyday. No, he doesnt call me mom. Yes, I signed my rights away. No, do I feel as if I am doing anything wrong. But will I ever address myself to Ethan as Mommy? No, that is disrepectful to Ryan and Julio. Do I sign my cards [so far] as Mommy Yvonne? Yes. Do I see anything wrong with it? No, because I know when he gets them, the boys read it to him as From: Yvonne and Adrian. But I feel as when he is old enough to read them, he will learn [if he hasnt already] that I love him.
Maybe my views are messed up in a way. But to me I do not feel like I am doing anything wrong. One person told me that she hopes that it will hit me like a ton of bricks when I get the realization that it is just a coping way.