Past 2 years

The past 2 years have been so hard for me. Not only did I loose who I thought was my best friend and the love of my life, but I lost a child. Doing random things bring back random memories of both and makes me want to curl up in bed and cry. I never wanted any of this to happen. If I did believe in god, I would start rethinking in believing in him. Here I am getting ready for adrians birthday and my mind is trailing off in other directions. I wish things can get better from here.

While writing helps me deal with both, its still hard to let others know how I am feeling. I know if I communicate my feelings, I will get "I'm sorry". And I don't want that.

No sad faces

I haven't posted anything lately, due to having a hard time with my emotions. But today I got to wondering how other people look at me, like perceive me as a person.
This was all brought on by my mom having lunch with one of her dear friends. I know my mom has told people at her work and such. But I wonder how people, like a close friend like her friend, sees me. I know they give the sad looks and the "I'm sorrys". I have honestly had enough of those. I mean it was for the better. What's done is done.
I just would like to know if the perceive me as a horrible mom, a slut, unfit... or what. I know my moms friend knows a lot about our life and what we have been thru.
I want to get a point where I don't care what they think of me or perceive me as, I know how I look at myself and that should be good enough. I am controlled right now on how other people see me. Like I just said, it shouldn't matter. I know it was a mistake that I got pregnant (even though some people believe that I got pregnant on purpose. Even though I told them I didn't. They think I did because Adrian's dads wife got pregnant.), it was for the best and he is making two wonderful men happy.