Happy Birthday to me!

I know I havent written in a while. And Im sorry. Life and everything. I am now 26 years old! Happy! lol. Adrian is going to be in first grade in a little over a month, and I will get a car in a month too. Life seems to be clicking into place for me.

I had a dream about Ethan the morning of my birthday. I was at my dads with him and I wouldnt let anyone hold him. I kept on holding him and hugging him and wouldnt let him leave my arms. I bet they were tired. Then after a while I realized that I didnt see Adrian anywhere. I couldnt find him either. It was a little unsettling. But Im glad I woke up when I did. I tried not to let it affect my birthday.

Its been a while

Its been about a month since I have written anything. In that month, I have come to peace with the fact that I will never get to meet my niece, L. I have thought about visiting Ethan sometime after his birthday. I am unsure if I am going to go or not, but Im in the thinking process. Adrian went in the hospital about a week ago because he wasnt breathing and he had a unidentified mass in his lung that has since gone, and he is all better minus a cough.

One of my friends just announced that she is pregnant with her 3rd. Part of me thinks its a "fixer" baby, part of me thinks that part of me is jealous and angry and bitter. One of my friends is about to have her baby in the next week or so. Then one of my friends is naming her baby a JR, and I am more pissed off at that.  I dont know why. I dont want to be mad. I dont want to be hurting, I want to be happy for them. More often than not I find myself hating them. My friend who is naming her baby a JR is a birthmom and so is her sister. Her sister just gave up her baby in jan/ feb. and that is the same time my friend came out as pregnant. My friend is so over the moon that she is pregnant and happy and life is blessed, the whole nine yards, I think she has forgotten that she herself is a birthmom. Her sister has stolen some of JRs baby clothes, blankets, etc. She is acting not like herself. And the posts that I have seen are like mocking her and shitting on her.

Its unfair that she is shitting on her own sister. I mean she may not have let it be known to the world that she was pregnant with I [my friend] and let them know that she is chose adoption. And I know she has closed herself off from it and dealing with it. But her sister is dealing with it, and doing what shes doing, I bet because she doesnt know how to let out these feelings and how to cope. Ive tried contacting the sister, but she has removed her FB page, she isnt on twitter much... I dont know much of else I can do. I want to contact my friend and ask her for her number. I feel bad for her. Her twitter page was filled with some crying posts, her wanting her child back, "you'd think that she'd understand", and depressing stuff.

I love helping people out. I dont want them to hurt. I hate seeing anyone hurting or in pain.

Untitled

About a week or so ago I found out that my sister, K, had a baby on her birthday about 2 months ago. I didnt want to know. I got forced to know it, and what the babys name is. I contacted her through FB and told her congrats and whathave you, and she went off on me. She called me a bunch of names: rude, selfish, heartless, and a liar. And Im guessing it was because of the adoption. It irritates me more than anything that she would think that I would lie about anything about MY LIFE and MY SITUATION regarding it. I really hate that she has always had this perception of me that Im just a piece of shit that hurts people because I can and its in my nature.

When she sent me that, I started balling my eyes out. I cried more than I had ever in weeks. I was like, how dare she call me these things when she wont let me talk, and she just puts up a barrier. I was neutral  and told her how she should not try to make her little baby grow up fast, and savior the moments of her tiny babys life. I was mad because of the things that she was told and none of it was true. It makes me mad and sad when I think about it because its sad that people know all about my life when they arent in it, and they arent active part in it.

I'm angry....

I'm angry at my mom, she would rather be closed up about everything than let me be open about it. She didn't support me through my pregnancy.

I'm angry at my grandmother because every time I bring up Ethan she clams up and doesn't say a word. She makes me feel bad for even talking about Ethan.

I'm mad at bio dad because he wasn't there. He... I can't even find words to finish it.

I'm reading my coping with open adoption ebook. And things have come to light again. I want to get them out.